


i know we weren't perfect (but i've never felt this way for no one)

by omelettes



Series: drivers license [2]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Based on song "Friday I'm in Love" by The Cure, Getting Together, M/M, Mentions of past Sakuatsu, Mutual Pining, Non-Linear Narrative, Requited Love, miya "so there's this farmer" atsumu, mostly 3rd pov but some 2nd pov but thats bc atsumu is dramatic, the atsukita accidental dates and roadtrip fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-20
Updated: 2021-03-10
Packaged: 2021-03-17 03:16:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 26,342
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29586414
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/omelettes/pseuds/omelettes
Summary: You are still in love with him. You have never fallen out of love with him. You don't think you ever will.— or, Miya Atsumu, Kita Shinsuke, and a Toyota Tundra.
Relationships: Kita Shinsuke/Miya Atsumu
Series: drivers license [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2157591
Comments: 17
Kudos: 60





	1. monday you can fall apart, tuesday, wednesday, break my heart

**Author's Note:**

> hiiiii atsukita nation!!!! this is my love letter fic to atsukita and my second fic i've written in my life. ive started writing this in valentines to set the mood and the wordcount got waaaayyy longer than i expected (this will probably reach almost 20k).
> 
> past atsukita for sakuatsu development is out. atsukita first love AND last love is IN! (no minor atsukita, no past atsukita for sakuatsu, no one-sided atsukita, none of that. first love last love besties!) 
> 
> (also!! if you see the different level of writing from the first part of this duology then uhhhh pls ignore lol. its the atsukita bias. also i don't use "ya" or "yer" because osaka is located in the kansai region so just imagine the inarizaki squad still speaking kansai-ben even without the accent indicators.)
> 
> its not required to read the first fic of the duology (its a sakuatsu post-break up fic that i wrote to set up this one), but the premise of that fic was atsumu used to have a nissan note that was meant for him and sakusa, but they broke up, but atsumu still bought the car anyway after splitting. and he was also in france as a reserve player, and sakuatsu broke up in a vid call bc it was one-sided love, and atsumu moved out of the msby dorms bc he didnt want to see sakusa outside of practice when he went back to japan, so he now lives somewhere in the chuo ward of osaka instead of staying in higashiosaka. in this fic, atsumu sells the nissan note for a new car (aka moving on or has already moved on from sakusa) 
> 
> EDIT: this fic now has a playlist!!! 
> 
> https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3rPcaL63yZhVOtNuAS4WBs?si=PW9cPp1yQoWErOaQA-hCDg
> 
> enjoy!

* * *

_"You’re in a car with a beautiful boy, and you’re trying not to tell him that you love him, and you’re trying to choke down the feeling, and you’re trembling, but he reaches over and he touches you, like a prayer for which no words exist, and you feel your heart taking root in your body, like you’ve discovered something you didn’t even have a name for."_

— Richard Siken

* * *

_"I like you." Atsumu tells Kita. Simple, straightforward, blunt. Everything that Kita was, and everything that Atsumu could be if not for his attitude— an honest liar that believes in promises and shapes them to his will. He says this confession with as much conviction as a child who screams to their sleeping parents that there was a monster under their bed— it's real, it definitely is, but would their parents believe it?_

_But Atsumu, who cannot read a person like a book outside the court, already knows the answer to what his former captain would respond. Kita Shinsuke, who gives him a jersey with number 1 printed on it, the keys for the gym and the storage room with the worn Vabo-chan dangling on the ring, is ready for the answer Atsumu had known from the very beginning._

_"I'm sorry." Kita says. He bows low._

_The third year stands up straight, fixes the wrinkles of his blazer._

_"I cannot love you the way you love me, and if I do, I would stay."_

_Atsumu says it's fine, because everyone has had a crush on this kind and beautiful boy once upon a time, and he blurts out that Suna has had a crush on him until he started liking 'Samu. He laughs, and says that the blonde's remark was unexpected, but he is aware that yes, he has admirers, despite how unassuming he seems to be, and appreciates Atsumu's honesty._

_He says he is proud of his choice in making the setter the captain._

_"You'll do great. And so much more."_

_With the sakura petals falling around the school grounds, two boys, 17 and 18, take a snapshot of a past that they won't remember, because Inarizaki will change and still continue to change over the years. They both await a future certain for them, one planned by the gods or planned by their own decisions._

_Kita bids Atsumu a "see you soon," and leaves with his grandmother, his grip tight on the diploma. He will be leaving for Osaka, which isn't far from Amagasaki, for university. Akagi and Oomimi will join him in the journey to cup noodles and endless nights of assignments. Aran will follow close by, playing for the Tachibana Red Falcons._

_Kita Shinsuke was his first love and first heartbreak._

_Atsumu wishes he was his last love as well._

_(He is. He always will be.)_

* * *

Atsumu sold his white Nissan Note and traded it for a Toyota Corolla. 

Technically, he sold it to Riseki, who bought the Corolla after being peer pressured by his team but didn't like driving in it, because the red paint was too bright. (Atsumu agrees, but only in his head, because adulthood has humbled him to be nicer but not enough, because he is fundamentally a jerk in his core. He thinks it looks like a factory reject paint job that somehow got approved by customs.) Riseki asked his upperclassman for a trade after complimenting how well-cared the Note was, and the blonde did, and then thought _fuck you Riseki, I love you, but you know how easily flattered I can get_ , and the setter was doing a good job in ignoring the bright paint job for as long as he owned the vehicle. 

(The first thing Atsumu did was google on how much repainting would cost, debating internally if he should recolor it to yellow to piss his brother off, or a more muted shade, like maroon. He keeps on forgetting to actually get one.)

Aside from the red, the Corolla wasn't special. It was just another common car model a lot of people in Japan owned. Atsumu never uses it aside from groceries or bringing extra gym equipment, or when the team had to travel for an away game and the station was still closed, forcing the blonde to leave the vehicle behind in the parking lot of the gym. He's glad that he lives so close to Morinimiya station and just has to take the train to Higashiosaka for practice days. 

But right now, he was in an izakaya in Shinsaibashi, 'Samu's most hated area in Osaka because all manners towards fellow humans are forgotten for whatever tourist trap they want to indulge in, and where his least favorite Onigiri Miya branch was settled. Atsumu disagrees, because Shinsaibashi has character, and the chef only rebutted that it's because trash does not see trash as trash. Atsumu thinks his twin's insults are getting worse. They don't have the same impact as they did when they were teens. Or a few months ago. 

However, as Atsumu was surrounded by six feet tall men, nestled between a tipsy, flirty Akagi and a flustered Oomimi, Atsumu agrees that Shinsaibashi really is the area where dreams come true and people's shitty behavior arise. He wants to escape from their weird mating call, but he could barely see straight to walk to the station. 

And he didn't bring his car because 'Samu begrudgingly promised that he would drive Atsumu home after the blonde told him on the phone that he took the train, but the setter was really beginning to think that he might not have a ride home, with how quickly his twin was getting drunk. 'Samu was busy outdrinking Gin, Gin was busy being sober compared to a very drunk onigiri chef, who contemplates on dyeing his hair again, Sunarin was busy filming his boyfriend for blackmail material, and Aran was busy chatting with Kita, whose face is void of any color.

The other booth across from him, consisting of Riseki, Kosaku, Minato the bowl-cut kid (now bald), Miyazaki the bald libero (now with hair), and Izumi the manager, were long gone in a drunken haze, sleeping the alcohol away with heads on their table. 

God, he wants to escape Akagi and Oomimi's courtship ritual. He doesn't want to stop drinking, but he guesses it's his only way out. 

So he sends a look of defenselessness to Aran. (His other brother from another mother. His childhood friend. His _bros before hoes_ guy.)

The ace stops chatting with Kita when he sees Atsumu, nationally-acclaimed setter, suffering. He rolls his eyes. Atsumu whimpers. Aran then takes pity on him with his definitely effective puppy eyes, and beckons Akagi and Oomimi to his now empty side, Kita now absent, standing on the sides. The two stand up while bringing their drinks, and drop down next to the Red Falcon. They trap Aran in a hug, and sloppily kiss each of the ace's cheeks. 

Now, Atsumu was an adult. According to Suna, he was a manchild, which was bold words coming from someone who hadn't gotten out of their scene phase yet. But the shock equivalent of a child seeing their parents kiss was apparently evident on his face, because Akagi grins at him as he cuddles Aran's side, Oomimi rolling his eyes at the shorter man. 

Atsumu doesn't know when they got together. Judging from Sunarin's widened eyes and 'Samu muttering "what the fuck" with a slur of his tongue, he guesses they haven't either. Ginjima is taking 'Samu's Asahi can to erase the image of Akagi kissing anyone at all, muttering something about "losing all respect" under his breath, even though Gin and Kosaku do the same thing during parties. Gin is a hypocrite. 

The blonde suddenly feels warmth next to him, and faces his left and see Kita sitting down next to him, holding his half-finished glass of sweetened soju.

Atsumu notices the extra space in Oomimi's right side, now vacant. He does not think of the implications as to why Kita chose to sit next to him, sitting already close to the edge of the booth. 

"Sorry," Kita says, and Atsumu, like the obedient, bratty underclassman that he was, scoots a little to give the farmer more space. "I don't want to be caught up in their PDA."

(His legs are touching the other man's legs. How scandalous.)

"Me too." Atsumu gags for dramatics. 

Kita frowns. "That wasn't very nice of you."

"But Kita-san! They were flirting with me in the center! It's gross!" 

"What are you, a 5 year old?" But Kita snorts and he pats the setter's golden locks like he were an excitable golden retriever (and he's not!), and the setter's breath hitches and shudders. Atsumu's skin feels warmer, and if he looked at a mirror, his cheeks were red, and he's not sure if it's from the alcohol, but he wishes it was from his soju. 

If Kita's fingers go any lower, the farmer would touch his face. Maybe caress his cheek. 

But he doesn't. Kita retracts his hands. 

Atsumu pouts in distaste, but he still feels warm and safe and drunk as fuck, single as hell, and tired. Because he has the attention span of a goldfish, Kita's touch is forgotten through his alcohol-poisoned brain seconds later. And as a natural-born chatterbox and shit stirrer, Atsumu starts talking about everything to the farmer, never pausing to take a breath except when the other man replies to the exclusive V.League gossip that Suna hasn't shared to the group chat yet. 

_Did you know, Kita-san, Hoshiumi bit Bokuto on the arm in Aran's party because Bokkun called him short? Well, Bokkun called him "little man", but I swear there was blood leaking out of the bite—_

In half an hour, the farmer doesn't say anything else other than humming in agreement (or disagreement), but Kita listens attentively and holds on to Atsumu's forearm. Atsumu does not notice this. He is too drunk to. 

"Do you have a ride home?" he asks the blonde, and Atsumu snaps out of his daze in being platonically indulged by hot, bachelor farmer Kita Shinsuke, his first crush and now his close friend and confidante, and he thinks after staring at his empty glass of soju, _do I have a drive home?_

Atsumu looks at 'Samu, his supposed lift, who is shit faced and leaning into Sunarin's shoulder, then at said middle blocker, who can drive but doesn't have a license, that fucker, and Aran, his emergency lift, who is now stuck in a game of drunk, gay chicken with his boyfriends. Gin has now passed out, but fairing better than his twin. Akagi and Oomimi don't own a car. 

Atsumu faces Kita. "Not anymore." He absentmindedly nudges his foot to Kita's foot. "I didn't take my car here." 

And it's not like he can drive with how tipsy he was. Drunk driving is illegal, like, everywhere, and he has a reputation to uphold. The blonde blames 'Samu for being a lightweight and being just as competitive as Atsumu was, and he curses him and he almost curses the gods as well, but decides against it, because it's purely 'Samu's own fault that he's like this.

"I can drive." Kita says. This breaks Atsumu's non-existent line of thinking. The farmer then downs his entire glass down his throat, unfazed by the sting of the alcohol. Atsumu stares in awe at his high tolerance. Because if Kita offers to drive, then Kita isn't drunk, or tipsy, and that was damn impressive when everyone else couldn't even lift their heads. 

Why doesn't he have a flaw? 

"Why don't you have a flaw?" Atsumu asks out loud. But his mind supplies that he is a Cancer sign. Okay, so he has one flaw, aside from his absent skills in cooking. 

Kita either does not hear the question or ignores it, but Atsumu knows that Kita has the ears of a meddling god, but if he were Kita, Atsumu would ignore his own question as well. The farmer instead orders a water for the both of them, the waitress leaving and returning to the booth in 30 seconds flat, and Atsumu needs to sober the fuck up, and he thinks that maybe he shouldn't have drunk alcoholic beer, being a lightweight like 'Samu but whatever. It's whatever. He feels like whatever, he thinks, then downs the glass of water in seconds, Kita taking sips until his glass is empty. 

Atsumu then salutes the boys, and they grunt in return, and 'Samu raises a middle finger before he passes out. Atsumu assumes Sunarin will be illegally driving them back to their apartment. 

The blonde then trips on the low ramp of the izakaya's entrance. _Why does it have a ramp?_ He doesn't answer his own question, too distracted with Kita holding him up as he grips the blonde's bicep. And he's scrambling to Kita's car now, parked next to Gin's yellow FJ cruiser (Atsumu now decides to paint his car a maroon so he and Gin won't match at all). 

It's a plain, bulky, dulled blue pickup truck, its tires mudded, but otherwise scrubbed thoroughly. Atsumu can imagine anime sparkles floating around it, with _fwufwu_ and _shingshing_ sound effects playing in the background. He takes a peek at the car model name at the back— and squinting his unfocused eyes, it is a Tundra. 

It fits Kita. 

"Nice car." he mumbles, and it is a nice car. It's pristine and gleaming under the neon lights of the district, red highlighting the hood of the vehicle. Atsumu glances at Kita, and glues his now clear, high definition vision to the farmer, his tanned skin from farming painted in the bright red of the izakaya's sign, his white hair reflecting mauve, and Atsumu thinks he is a beautiful, kind boy. 

There is a click. The doors unlock. 

"Thank you." Kita says, and he steps into the driver's seat, Atsumu opening the door to the passenger seat and slumping against the backrest. The inside of the car smells of lemon and a hint of lavender, probably from that small lavender pouch dangling on Kita's rearview mirror that the blonde sent him from his temporary stay in France. It smells like Kita's home, traditional and spacious and simple, when the setter visits with Aran to his farm, and Atsumu is washed in highschool nostalgia. 

However, his focus shifts as he begins a staring contest with a customable nendroid of a foxboy on the dashboard, unscratched and dustless. The blonde sobers up enough to remember that it was a gag gift Atsumu gave to Kita in the Valentine's of his first year in Inarizaki. 

(Kita appreciated the present, troll gift or not. Atsumu choked when the former captain told him so, 'Samu snickering behind him. It was no secret that Kita Shinsuke likes joking around with people.)

"You kept the nendroid!" Atsumu remarks, fumbling with the seatbelt. He hits his head on the roof, and the blonde hopes there's no dent in Kita's perfectly maintenanced Tundra, too afraid to face Kita's imaginary wrath. Atsumu knows that Kita could never get angry except for advertisements of generic white people in the center and harmful pesticides, but Atsumu awkwardly laughs anyways to ease any potential tension. It resonates inside the car, but he can't help it! Kita Shinsuke likes cute things, something Atsumu had known when he first discovered his dog (for farming purposes, Kita texted in the chat) and the pictures of ducks waddling around his farm (also for farming purposes, but Kita still names them individually), but it's still a surprise for Atsumu. The farmer turns his head away from his companion to put on his seatbelt, but with one look at the rearview mirror, Atsumu could see that he's blushing.

With a feral grin, the setter says, "Don't worry Kita-san, I won't tell anyone." 

Kita just sighs, shaking his head but otherwise unbothered, and Atsumu wants to trail his fingers on the farmer's soft hair under his touch.

Kita puts the key in. The vehicle roars to life.

"You can sleep on the ride. I know your address already, so you don't have to stay awake to guide me."

"M'kay." Atsumu says. He presses his head to the window as Kita starts driving the streets of Osaka cautiously, the lack of cars around bring Osaka's hectic streets into a moment of standstill peace. Atsumu's half-lidded eyes are glued to the blur of lights from signs and passing cars, and his eyes are heavy. His skull is vibrating.

But for the rest of the ride, Atsumu does not sleep. 

Kita does not turn on the radio for the entirety of the drive. He does not seem to be the kind of man that does unless it's set to the news, but the stillness and silence of the atmosphere is not unwelcoming. The setter relaxes under the comfort of Kita's presence, the buildings around them still alive with workers retiring to bars and clubs, and the smell of lemon and lavender and the alcohol in his body softens his muscles. Atsumu likes this. 

Maybe it's because he likes being with Kita in general, compared to when they were both highschool students, Atsumu following his trail like a lost puppy, and Kita is the owner who hasn't adopted him yet, but he's close to doing it. As adults, they both respect one another as grown men who may or may not have figured out what the future lays in store, enlightened by the process of their routines. He does not become an idol for Atsumu, but he is a friend he can trust, and he does not see the blonde as a child any longer.

Being with Kita was never tiring whenever he visits Osaka. 

(Sometimes, Atsumu brings him to the places where he had brought Sakusa, when they were lovers. The sting of heartbreak diminished into a dull pain, a needle slowly poking out of his heart. But when he's with Kita, it disappears. 

He brings Kita to the relocated and expanded DIY store in Umeda, formerly in Namba, and Kita buys gardening materials after the blonde brought up an interest in horticulture. Atsumu brings him to the retro arcade where the farmer wins millions of tickets only for the both of them to settle with matching fox keychains. He brings him to the fro-yo shop with the best matcha flavor, and now the best red bean yogurt flavor the blonde has ever tasted. He brings him the Italian-themed cafe in Honmachi with the freshest coffee beans Atsumu can smell from streets away, and Kita says he is acquainted with the supplier, and they spend hours talking about everything and nothing and the importance of farming. 

Atsumu brings Kita to the oden restaurant where he had his first date with Sakusa. 

Kita likes the oden restaurant. He says it's homey, and the daikon is delectable, and it reminds him of that ramen restaurant near Inarizaki. And maybe that's why Atsumu likes it as well, aside from the food. It was a good ramen restaurant where he, 'Samu, Suna, Gin, and Kosaku would eat after a good match. 

He forgets about Sakusa when he's with Kita. 

He doubts he could ever forget Kita.)

* * *

When Atsumu fell in love with Kita Shinsuke, it was not when his former captain gave the sick blonde a care package. Atsumu, a teenage boy with questionable priorities, was too busy calculating how his captain knew about the cold, if he noticed the signs in morning practice, and how he had time to even buy a care package for him, or if he was secretly a god and Kosaku had not been lying that he was one. 

No, Atsumu fell in love with him in Kaiyukan Aquarium on a Saturday, in August, 3 weeks after the care package fiasco. 

It had been a planned trip after their loss in Inter-High, a day to relax and bond before they started practicing with twice the vigor they were used to for Spring High. With Instagram becoming a booming social media site (Suna's words, not his), everyone voted for Kaiyukan during a celebratory ramen dinner for Instagram-worthy aesthetics, 'Samu already drooling over the prospect of visiting Naniwa Kuishinbo Yokocho for lunch or dinner before they went back to Amagasaki. Atsumu was still sulking throughout the whole bus ride going to the aquarium, too obsessed with the idea of beating Itachiyama and putting those fucking neon weasels in their places in the upcoming Nationals, and would've declined attending the trip, but his twin had bullied him into coming with the rest of the club for team bonding (and to eat in the food park, _especially to eat in the food park_ ). Atsumu conceded, because he likes food parks and hates 'Samu hitting him. 

When the bus had stopped by Temponzan, the blistering heat of the summer sun plummeted to pave way for autumn, the greening leaves beginning to redden and brown, brittle to the gust of winds, and the blonde can feel the chill of the breeze as he strode to the ticket admissions, following the third years, Aran leading the way. Suna had taken his phone out to record their tour, Gin and Kosaku were reading the aquarium's brochure, shoulders touching, and 'Samu was manhandling Atsumu to walk faster even though the blonde's steps beyond the second string players, who were hanging in the back. The sting of defeat was not forgotten, and Atsumu would rather practice his serves than wake up early to look at fishes, but the colossal structure of the aquarium overwhelmed him. In a good, expectant way. 

Atsumu stops by Kita's side, who was handing out the tickets to everyone. 

"Everyone is allowed to split up once we enter the aquarium," the captain begins, "but you have to message where you guys are in the chat. So none of us would get lost and we could go to the market after."

About 30 minutes in, after pacing around the earthy, mystical Japanese Forests section of the aquarium, Atsumu loses 'Samu, which means he lost Suna and Gin and Kosaku as well. He sends an S.O.S. His twin hasn't answered any of the texts, leaving them all on read, and the blonde squawks in annoyance as visitors stare at a six foot teen panicking in the middle of one of Osaka's largest aquariums. 

Atsumu texts Kita, the next best thing. His captain answers in one second. Atsumu thanks Kita's gods that Kita himself does not believe in. 

Atsumu scrambles to the Great Barrier Reef exhibit, taking pictures of the tanks along the packed hallway, not bothering to read any of the placards of information on what type of fish or bigger fish or whatever they were. They were pretty, he supposes, with the array of corals blending in with the hundreds of fishes wandering behind the acrylic glass, species he wasn't even aware of nor cared to search for. 

The blonde sees the older boy, alone, staring at the countless butterflyfish swimming around the tanks, a mirage of colors illuminated in the aquarium's blue lighting. 

"Kita-san!" 

The third year spots Atsumu running toward him, giving the second year a small smile. "Atsumu. Glad to see you didn't get lost on the way here."

"Why are you alone, Kita-san?" 

"Oomimi wanted to go to the Kelp Forest with Aran and Akagi."

Atsumu does not question why his senior wants to only spend his day with the other two. Kita seems like he doesn't want to as well, or maybe he is aware of whatever impromptu date the three had set up and was fine navigating the aquarium alone. 

'Samu then finally texts him, phone vibrating in his pocket, and his scrub of a twin messages _where are ya u dipshit_ and Atsumu replies _w/ kita-san u fuckface,_ and adds _dont come pick me up_ and 'Samu says _wasnt planning 2 lol have fun <3 _until Atsumu muted his notifications. 

"Do you want to walk around together?" Atsumu asks. 

"Sure." Kita says. 

Somehow, they haven't bumped into any other club members on the way, everyone too busy doing their own thing. Not that Atsumu minds, and neither did Kita, but the blonde can't get a good read on the guy because he's not human, and while Atsumu would want to just take pictures of fishes and stare at their patterns and colors and then move on to the next tank, or admire the appearances of each exhibit to fit the ecosystem of the designated specimens Kaiyukan has to offer, Kita takes his time to observe their movements and reads the placards. He is not a boy to leave things unfinished. 

Atsumu finds he is not annoyed by this. If this were 'Samu or Suna, he would shout at them to hurry up. Kita reports the information he read back to Atsumu, and it's less boring when Kita talks about species and trivial facts about them. 

They tour the Aleutian Islands and gasp at the rainbow trouts. To Panama Bay, Atsumu patiently waiting for the porcupinefish to puff up. The rainforest-like Ecuadorian Jungle, where the capybaras relax in a hot spring, and where Atsumu hopes that there were capybara plushies in the souvenir shop. Monterey Bay, with the interactive exhibit where he and Kita look up the elevated tank to see the seals swimming above them. 

Tasmanian Sea. Giant Kelp Forest. Japanese Trench. Jellyfish Area. Atsumu doesn't think they've missed an exhibit. He touches a ray in the Maldives Zone as an act of bravery. 

They end up in the Tunnel Tank. It's cramped with tourists staring in wonder at the spottedfin puller fishes swimming above them, and the rays glide through the water smoothly, and the two boys stay to the side to take more clear shots, Atsumu for memories, and Kita for the group chat so they knew where they were in case they were lost. The shrieks of children fawning over the rays resonate in the hallway, and they tap the glass until their parents pull them away, because _sweetie, you're not allowed to touch the glass._ Couples were doing gross things, like kissing. And holding hands. Atsumu blanches. 

But Kita slowly takes the setter's hand in his. Atsumu doesn't pull away, but wonders why two grown boys were holding hands, and if Kita could feel his sweaty palms against his smooth ones, too polite to recoil. The third year guides the both of them to exit of the tunnel, and Atsumu does not feel the body heat or sweat of strangers pressed against him. He only feels Kita's small hand latching onto him. The shorter boy does not stop walking, passing by more tanks, until they enter a spacious area flooded with dull, blue lighting, visitors more spread out than the other exhibits, and what awaits the both of them is the largest tank in the premise— the glass reaching the area's high ceiling.

"This is where we'll meet the others before we head to the food park." Kita says. Atsumu checks the time on his phone— 12:34 p.m. He's been walking with his captain for nearly 2 hours. 

The blonde reads the sign as to where they were. Pacific Ocean tank. The whale sharks, monstrous and kind of cute predatory creatures that Atsumu definitely wants to buy a plushie of, loom over them, casting shadows that devoids of the area of its blue hues. They're majestic, and Atsumu, a boy who feels bigger than the world, feels small staring at them, but can't help be entranced at their size, the movements, the spots on their backs. Their large mouths are funny.

Kita presses against Atsumu's side to give space to children running to press their faces against the glass. Atsumu spares a glance at Kita, and is no longer focused on the whale sharks, but at this boy right beside him, like it's where he belongs. The second year's heart soars slowly, and builds up.

Here, in the spacious Pacific Ocean exhibit of Osaka Kaiyukan Aquarium, the shutters of cameras a white noise to his ears and mindless chatter filtered out by his mind, Atsumu stares at the third year boy. Here, intimidated by the creations of gods that could consume them whole without resistance, Atsumu is not mesmerized by the spotted sharks, but by a boy with ink-dipped tips and golden eyes, and hands that fit well into his. Kita looks ethereal, a mortal god without any subjects, but the more the blonde stares, he thinks that this was the most human he's ever seen of Kita. Kita, washed in the blue lighting, equally as spellbound by the infinite sea trapped behind the limits of acrylic glass. Kita, who is not a god, but a boy who sees the present and believes in a future cultivated by labor. 

Miya Atsumu fell in love with Kita Shinsuke for a simple reason: he is a kind boy, who never leaves things unfinished. He is a beautiful boy, with a beautiful soul. He does not need to do anything. Or maybe he already has done everything, to make Atsumu fall in love with him. 

Maybe he has already fallen in love with him, with how the blonde admires his tenacity and cool aura since his first year despite the older boy being a benchwarmer, or the kindness he has shown Atsumu when everyone aside from his brother or Aran would never put up with him. Maybe he was already in love, but never realized until now, or maybe it started slow. It doesn't matter, because the image of the older boy gleaming under the blue glow of the aquarium, Atsumu does not forget for many years that Kita is a beautiful boy, and he's human just like him, and they are both humans who crave connection. 

He likes Kita. He likes the warmth of his body pressed against his, no matter how light it was. 

He likes Kita. _Kita. Kita. Kita._

_Shinsuke._

Notifications shook him out of his thoughts. He looks at the messages in LINE— everyone did not stop by the Pacific Ocean tank like they have discussed, instead, the group headed straight towards the souvenir shop without the two of them. Kita is not annoyed with this. Atsumu can't say the same. 

Kita takes Atsumu's hand again, and they squeeze through the cramped premise. At the souvenir shop, the rest of the club gathered, Akagi carrying at least three different whale shark plushies. 

The older boy lets go of Atsumu's hand, not without a squeeze. 

_Huh,_ Atsumu thinks. _I think I'm in love._

As simple as that. 

* * *

Atsumu discovers that the farmer would have spent the night in Aran's apartment, until he found out about Akagi and Oomimi having an improvised sleepover with the ace, and Kita prefers not to intrude on the three, because even the stoic, unflinching former captain does not want to be subjected into the role of a third wheeler. As the constant third wheeler of 'Samu and Suna's escapades from third year highschool to now, Atsumu relates. 

The setter, out of the kindness of his heart (which 'Samu would guffaw in disbelief at), offers him to stay the night, because he has an extra futon, and his home is big enough for two people if they squeeze in enough. Kita is thankful and gets his belongings before carrying Atsumu by the arms to the entrance of his apartment complex, even though he whines to the other man that he's sober enough to walk. Kita is not convinced, but lets him go. Atsumu rummages through his pockets for his keys. 

Atsumu admires how hard Kita's arms were and ponders if he could carry him (definitely, his mind adds). 

He navigates the both of them to where the elevators are, one of them under repair, a normal occurrence for every 3 weeks. They are old and rickety and smell of dust, but they work and add character. Inside, Atsumu punches the stuck button to his floor. Kita slightly scrunches his nose at the abandoned green tea bottle next to the buttons. Atsumu chuckles, trying to stand up straight and lean into the wall. 

When they reach his apartment and pass to the bedroom, Atsumu mentally berates himself for not cleaning the place to Kita's standards— fanmail and gifts were piled up next to his mattress (he was too lazy to get a bedframe, and also because he watched _Perfect Blue_ and decided to replicate Mima Kirigoe's bedroom, and he's almost there, he just needs heart pillows—), his posters of Nicolas Romero and Giba on his wall were skewed, and the freshly laundered clothes in his basket had not been folded. 

His room was the only area with space in his apartment that could fit the futon, unless Kita would rather sleep on the tatami couch in the living room. But Atsumu, asshole extraordinaire, was not _that_ bad of a host, no matter what highschool Aran said. 

The farmer does not appraise the setter for his clutter.

"The place suits you." he says instead. "It's just as messy as you are."

"Kita-san!" Atsumu whines, but is otherwise pleased at how Kita just eyes the place without the trademark _Scary Kita Stare_ , which means, to the blonde's relief, his apartment is Kita-approved. 

"I'm joking. It definitely adds character. Are those Pikachu plushies?" 

The farmer gestures to the five Pikachu stuffed toys on his multi-decked IKEA shelf, where his game consoles and old copies of Captain Tsubasa hid. 

"Yeah, ever since 'Samu called me a basic bitch on Twitter for Pikachu being my favorite, the fans have been giving them to me in the greets. Do you want one?" 

(Atsumu has like, ten more of the plushies in his closet. Alongside a yellow Yoshi one.)

"I'll pass for now. I forget how much you hoard stuff for someone who likes our highschool banner so much."

"They're mementos!" Atsumu defends. 

Atsumu prepares to unroll the futon next to his bedframe-less mattress as Kita takes a shower, and the setter takes his time setting aside the unopened fan mails and gifts to a corner of his room and fold some of his clean clothes in the basket to put it back into the closet. He closes the lights and lets the lamp stay open, scrolling through his Twitter as he waits for his turn to take a bath. 

This feels domestic, Atsumu thinks, as Kita steps out of the bathroom fully clothed. He settles down the futon after setting his overnight gear aside, and the setter barges into his own shower and internally monologues fictional scenarios in his mind for 10 minutes before actually starting to properly bathe, and gets out 30 minutes later in a faded pink sweater in grey sweatpants. 

Kita is still awake. 

"Thanks for letting me stay again."

"It's no trouble, Kita-san! I like spending time with you."

"You're not just saying that to flatter me now like before so you could take your place as my favorite kouhai, did you?"

"That was years ago!" Atsumu flails his arms around. "And you already said I was your favorite kouhai!" 

This was indeed a real memory, although misremembered, one that the setter lorded over his twin for a few weeks, when the third years had accused Kita for being too lenient or too strict on the blonde, who is the personification of chaos incarnate himself. This was also after he and 'Samu both got sick from getting too wet from the unexpected endless rainfall that covered Amagasaki for hours, bodies tremoring, and Kita came to their house to drop off care packages for the both of them. Atsumu's bag was bulkier than 'Samu's. Too drained to fight, his grey-haired twin blew a raspberry to him. 

After getting better, in one practice day, Akagi mentioned that Atsumu was Kita's favorite underclassman. Kita did not refute it, and the second years choked on their Pocari Sweat while staring incredulously at Atsumu. 

"And you still are." Kita pinches his puffed out cheeks. Atsumu thinks the farmer should stop treating him like a toddler throwing a tantrum. He's 6'1! He doesn't need this. But he likes knowing he is still Kita's favorite kouhai, even after all these years. "However, I like all my kouhais equally."

"No one's here to hear that, Kita-san. You could just say the truth that I'm your favorite member."

"Aran's my favorite member. Don't get too cocky."

In a small, cluttered but otherwise clean apartment in Osaka's Chuo Ward, minutes away from Morinomiya station, two men, 26 and 27, discuss until the early morning, because Kita could leave any time he wants to since he trusts his fellow farmers to reap and sow the rice fields, and they had said _It's okay, Kita-kun, you need to rest more, I'm sure you have time for your routines, but now, rest_ and his grandmother had shoved him away from his house with a mischievous crinkle in her eyes, and Atsumu laughs at hearing Kita being taken care of when he's known him for years as the man who takes care of others, but he likes taking care of Kita as well, who snuggles into the futon's blanket with his head peaking out. Atsumu has no intention of sleeping when his body clock has been fucked up since he was a teenager, aiming to stay awake until 2AM because it was an adult thing to do, and present Atsumu now regrets thus, but the blonde goes on and on, the farmer sometimes interjecting. And this is nice. 

And this is what the blonde thinks, when he turns off his lamp to let the both of them sleep after chatting for too long:

Your name is Miya Atsumu, and you fell in love with a boy with snow white hair and ink-dipped tips, and stony golden eyes that softens whenever he sees you. His voice was honey in the summer and his hands were refined marble.

And you think, at the age of 26, you have never really fallen out of love with him. He offers to drive you home after a biweekly Inarizaki Volleyball Club reunion, and only you for some reason, in his Toyota Tundra. It smells of fields. 

He is the same. He is a constant force in your reckless life, and in the yellow lighting that highlights his tanned skin of your bedroom's lamp, he does not any look different from the blue hues of Kaiyukan's Pacific Ocean tank that adorn his pale skin. 

You are still in love with him. You have never fallen out of love with him. You don't think you ever will. 

The blonde lets his eyes close. He dreams of fields, and tatami floors, and him and Kita drinking tea, watching the setting sun. 

* * *

Atsumu is a boy who believes in gods but not in prayers. 

It had been a tradition for the Miya family to visit the shrine, a bus ride and hike away from their house, to give their blessings and offerings for the gods who watch over them and bring prosperity to their lifestyles. 'Samu does not believe in gods meddling human lives— he believes in crafting hands to shape one's future, a heart that would guide him to happiness. But he believes in the power of prayers, and he does not pray for victory in volleyball but for a healthy future and bountiful food. Meanwhile, Atsumu believes in higher beings observing his every step, but he does not believe in blessings or luck or prayer. He does not believe in fate. He is a boy born human, someone who would make his own path, a boy built by assiduousness, ambition, and fulfilled promises. He bends fate for himself, wills it to his liking. 

Miya Atsumu is a metaphorical prophet of hunger. But even metaphorical prophets have doubts for the future. 

Before his graduation, after the devastating loss in Spring High for fourth place (and silently cheering on Kamomedai to beat Itachiyama and their ugly neon jerseys), before the sakura blossoms fully bloom and cover the ground in pale pink, he heads to the shrine, alone, face buried in a red scarf. 

In the bus ride, Atsumu wonders about graduation and what lies beyond it. 

Graduation means 'Samu is leaving. Graduation means overthinking the meaning behind his school's banner, missing the cafeteria's yakisoba bun and melon pans, if he should continue university or head straight into professional volleyball, if he was ready to be a new member of Japan Men's Volleyball Team. 

Graduation means he might journey alone in his path to his goals. His twin is no longer by his side, heading to Tokyo for culinary school, and Suna is leaving for university with a sports scholarship, and Gin is leaving for Osaka for sports science, and Kosaku is leaving for Nagoya for biomed, but where would Atsumu be, without his team? 

Here is a truth he's learned over the years. Volleyball is a sport about connection, of food becoming muscle, of friendships that would last a lifetime and how they influence you as a player and person, binded by nostalgic memories. Volleyball was also the sport that had driven people away from him, and that was fine in middle school, but Inarizaki saw his passion and does not use his arrogance and flashiness as a flaw— they see it as a weapon, they see the school banner in him, and they will continue to see a boy becoming the player he always wanted to be. 

But what does volleyball mean, when everyone has to leave something behind? What does it mean, when 'Samu leaves him behind? 

Kita had trusted him to take care of things in his own way, before he left. But as sure as Atsumu is with his actions, he does not know what he needs to do to be who he wants to be. And that was never an issue before. 

So he treks alone to the empty shrine on the hill near the farmlands, the clouds muting the sunlight, puffs of air coming out of his mouth. He thumbs his money, just a few yen, and he passes through the two stone foxes guarding the holy establishment. He throws money, he rings the bell, he claps twice. And he prays, as much as a boy who does not believe in prayers can. 

_I don't know how to be alone._

The gods don't say anything to him. They are not gods of words, but they answer. In the past, in the present, in the future. The gods do not need to answer Atsumu, because he was never alone. He will never be alone. 

Volleyball is a sport of connection. No matter the distance in place, time, or relationships, someone is still with you. Someone has shaped you to be the person you want to be, you will be, and what you will become. 

It just takes the setter a few years to understand. 

* * *

A week later, after Atsumu drops Kita in Tanimachiyonchome station, 'Samu calls him over the phone. They didn't need greetings, or kind words. The blonde hears plates being set down on a table. 

"I've got a lease for a Tokyo branch, scrub." his twin says on the other side of the line.

Atsumu, like the little shit that he was, did not compliment him. He was juggling his groceries in his arms, phone sandwiched between his shoulders, squeezing his bulky form in the tight space of his parking space to open the doors of his Corolla without hitting the car parked beside him. He curses as his bags unceremoniously hit the backseat with a thud— he hopes it's not the bag with eggs. 

"Congrats." Atsumu says, devoid of emotion, until his twin's words process his mind. "Oh! Congrats! Ah fuck, the eggs—" he says again, with emphasis. 

"The hell are you doing?" 

"Grocery shopping."

"No, idiot—thanks Takeda, sorry, talking to Atsumu right now, can you handle— yeah, thanks a lot—anyways, what are you doing after two weeks from now?" 

After assessing the bag that definitely does not have eggs in it, and checking out the car parked beside him for scratches that were _not_ caused by his own vehicle's doors that grazed the surface of its paintjob, Atsumu thinks of what to do with his free time beyond traveling back to Amagasaki to visit his parents and his now hospitalized grandmother. The season had just ended, MSBY Black Jackals declared as the new champions of Division 1 V.League after dethroning Schweiden Adlers ( _take that, Hoshiumi_ ), and the blonde plans to stay in Osaka a little longer before he sets out to leave. 

As far as he knew, the MSBY dorms were mostly empty— Bokuto was staying with Akaashi the manga editor in their Tokyo apartment, Meian was staying with his family in Kobe while probably, maybe, definitely zooming with his rival to lover Fukuro Hirugami, Barnes had left for Australia, and Tomas and Inunaki were in their "honeymoon" phase. Shouyou was in Brazil for how long already, with a long distance relationship with Tobio. Sakusa was in Europe, but Atsumu's not sure if he was in Poland with Ushijima, but the spiker is definitely somewhere in Europe with his rich family funding. 

"Probably rot in the apartment." Atsumu says, shoving the last of his bags inside. And then continues, "Aw, do you want your older bro to visit the opening to your Tokyo branch?" 

"Ew, no. And you're just older by four minutes. I don't need your dumb face—" 

"We have the same face!" 

"—To ruin my business. I need a personal servant to help me carry the blueprints for the restaurant's layouts. Be a good brother and help me out, would ya?" 

"Fuck no." Atsumu turns on the engine of his car, backing up to exit the underground parking lot. "I thought Mimiko-san would do that for you."

"Nah, Mimiko's handling the Osaka branch while I'm away." his twin pauses to give orders to his co-workers before returning to the phone. Atsumu halts behind a car that's also heading to the exit. There is a line, it's long, and Atsumu is beginning to regret purchasing food in a large-scale supermarket in a mall on a Friday. "And I need a favor to ask of you."

Atsumu does not like 'Samu's favors. 'Samu does not like Atsumu's favors. This was the natural order. Atsumu groans, lengthening his moan of misery, just to waste his twin's time. 

"What." he asks begrudgingly. 

"I just need you to drive someone from Hyogo to Tokyo, and maybe pay for his hotel room, that's all."

"What am I? Rich?" the blonde bites out. Tokyo hotel rooms cost a lot, and as much as Atsumu wastes money on things that he doesn't need and wastes other people's money on things that he wants, he would not pay for a hotel room in the metropolis unless there was a discount. He attended public school from middle school to high school. The cheapskate mindset in him has already wormed itself into his personality. 

"You literally get millions for not having a fucking day job and being pretty for the billboards—" 

"Excuse you, being a professional athlete AND model is hard work—" he defends fruitlessly. 

"And we need to save money to renovate the place—" 

"I could just lend you money for the restaurant?" Atsumu squints at the ramp—damn, the cars still haven't moved. 

"Obviously, but isn't it easier to lessen Kita-san's travel expenses than to actually help me? Not like you actually do."

Atsumu goes silent, waiting in line for his turn in the toll booth that would never happen. He thinks about how his phone still has clear signal when he's underground, when his radio plays nothing but static. 

"You should've just said it was Kita-san I would be driving for!" Atsumu grits out. "Wait, why is Kita-san going to Tokyo? I thought he hired delivery guys for your other branches already."

"I asked him for help with the menu. And he's overseeing how his rice would be handled once its delivered there, it's definitely farther than the rest of the other chains."

Atsumu pinches the bridge of his nose, and sighs. "Fine, I'll do it, but you're paying for my gas—" 

'Samu hangs up, and sends him the new store's location a second after. Atsumu groans to himself. The line has not moved. Why hasn't the line moved? 

After two minutes, with the cars only slightly moving forward, Atsumu dials Kita because he's bored, the radio still producing static before he dials it off. 

"Hey, Kita-san."

"Hello, Atsumu-kun." the farmer greets, and Atsumu can hear the ruffling of cloth in the background. "Is there a reason why you called me?"

"Do you have a ride to Tokyo?" 

The story goes: Atsumu, stuck in a line inside his quiet Corolla, invites his ex-captain for a road trip, under the tyrannical orders of his brother, just him and Kita only. Starting from Hyogo to Tokyo, to save up travel expenses, alone together. 

Kita says _Yes_ , _that's fine, when will you pick me up?_ and _Do you want to use the Tundra instead? It's better for longer drives,_ and Atsumu replies that he will drive his pick up truck, he'll just take a train to Amagasaki, _no, you don't need to pay for the train, Kita-san, but thanks anyways,_ and the blonde sets his alarm and calendar to pick the farmer up from his house by the rice fields, no longer minding the torturous, arduous line of cars for the toll booth. 

Atsumu questions to himself if Kita ever finished the lavender honey he sent to him in the wait. 

* * *

Atsumu sends a shit ton of lavender honey to Kita. 

He was nursing a broken heart, still hung up on his break up with Sakusa, but the box of lavender honey was always meant for Kita and his little brother who wanted to become a bee keeper, because bees were important to the pollination of plants and the ecosystem, and he is addicted to honey, and yadda yadda yadda. Kita Shion was an aspiring animal science major, and he wanted to run his own beekeeping farm. 

So Atsumu buys lavender honey. He has never tried lavender honey. Except he must've accidentally doubled his order to the saleslady in Provence with broken French and English, since Kita called the blonde to say his grandmother got about 20 jars of them, and Atsumu finally understood why the checkout price was expensive. 

"I didn't mean to buy that much." Atsumu says on the phone. He is applying Witch Hazel on his flawless, handsome face. _Handsomer than 'Samu's,_ he thinks smugly.

"Do you want me to send some to Osamu?" Kita inquires, shuffling through the package. "It's a lot. And you bought the big jars."

"Ew. No, you can keep it. I'm already sending too much French snacks to him." The setter looks at his desk next to the window, and the surface is piled with non-perishables. That fucking glutton. 

"I'm giving half of them to him."

"Kita-san!"

The farmer heartily laughs, and Atsumu's stomach feels tingly, and the cloud of unrequited love was lifted, only a little. He thinks of rice fields, and Kita-san's small garden, and the bright smiles of Kita Shion and Yumie eating a spoonful of lavender honey sent by the boy Atsumu used to have a crush on. Kita texts _thank u. shion and obaa-san loved them._ followed by _when u come back, u should visit the farm with aran. i named 2 ducks after the both of you._ and he sends the blonde another image of ducks waddling around the paddies. 

He names an aggressive duckling after Atsumu, one that nips his siblings' necks, honking at them in demand. Atsumu grins, Sakusa forgotten. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> almost finished writing chapter 2!!! im just editing it, idk when i'll post it but maybe sometime early march, and we will see more flashbacks and their roadtrip together. will probably re-edit chapter 1 as well. (pls dont mind the cancer sign slander i love cancer sign people. i just think its funny that oikawa and kita have the same zodiac sign. it has me flabbergasted bc i thought kita was a taurus but no. kita just has earth rising vibes. and then i remembered that kita cried over his captain jersey and then realized he was definitely a cancer sign.) 
> 
> to answer atsumu's question: no, kita has not finished the lavender honey yet bc 1. his little brother is preserving it 2. atsumu bought A LOT of them, but kita hasnt gotten sick of the taste yet. he also gave some to osamu but the honey hasnt depleted. rip double order king atsumu. i know your struggles. 
> 
> (i'm also outlining another atsukita fic, but shorter, and its attempted comedy bc im not funny :(( hopefully i can write better dialogue for that fic. the summary for it is that atsukita are both clowns, kita is just more adjusted)
> 
> see you soon!


	2. oh, thursday doesn't even start

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How does he not say that it's frustrating to be in the presence of a boy who's so close but so unreachable?
> 
> — or, acts of simple and subtle dating.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the "food is a love language" chapter
> 
> if you notice the chapter count going from 2 to 3 it's not bc it was planned but bc im a clown for going over the word count since i planned to make this fic more dialogue heavy :P most likely to edit this chapter bc i also rushed this tbh
> 
> EDIT (3/4/2021): umm if u see me deleting a few lines look away! apparently i copy pasted my draft version of this chapter which had a shit ton of typos. embarrassing! there's not much changes to the scenes tho!

* * *

_"I love you. I love you. I love you. I'll write it in waves. In skies. In my heart. You'll never see, but you will know."_

_— Amal El-Mohtar_

* * *

On his second year of high school, after discovering his twin's search history for culinary schools in Tokyo and confronting him about it, the Miya twins socked each other on the face until their noses bled. Osamu, grey-haired and love for volleyball limited, tells Atsumu in an icy tone as their father pulls them apart—

_"Continue with this shit, and no one's going to put up with you. You'll die a lonely death."_

Atsumu doesn't talk to him for three days, spending his nights in the guest bedroom, tossing his ball up, down, up, down, listening to Cobra Starships. It's the loneliest he had been. It's the longest Atsumu had ever been quiet, a mouth that never stops speaking put on hold. 

And three days after, two mirrors grab onto each other's shirts and promised that on our deathbeds, _I'll look at you and say I had a happier life!_ and continued afternoon practice as if it were nothing, then scuffled about the chores their parents left them behind. The blonde moves back into their shared bedroom, taking the bottom bunk because he lost jankenpon for the top. 

'Samu enters their bedroom with premium pudding on his hand, sitting next to a lying Atsumu. 

"I'm not gonna let you die alone." 'Samu says, nudging Atsumu's sides.

(He always took the first step when it came to reconciliation, even if he didn't start the fight.)

Atsumu doesn't answer, but takes the pudding cup anyways. When his twin sleeps, he heads down to the all-night convenience store and buys his twin's favorite chocolate milk, labels the pack with a big, fat O, then goes back to his slumber. 

He's never been good at talking about his problems. He figures it's better to let it simmer. 

And even as he dreams, he counts down the days his brother stays in the court. 

Miya Atsumu is a metaphorical prophet, and he sees grandeur far beyond him, but never what's in front of him in the present. He cannot see the future that 'Samu wants for himself, even though there were signs—his love for making their lunches, his grades in home economics, the way his eyes light up more when he's in the kitchen than he is in the court, and listening to their grandmother's tirades on how food is a love language. 

He cannot see the foundations of their brotherhood diverged and rebuilt. 

Atsumu starts guarding his heart to expect when people leave. Tempers his unchecked hunger to possibilities instead of impossibilities. Waits for the last game he and 'Samu will have. Tries to build up his pride for his brother, trying to understand his decision. 

It takes six months to let Atsumu-and-Osamu go, as they take the world as not the Miya twins, but as Atsumu the volleyball player and Osamu the chef, one identity cut into half, and happier together and alone. 

There comes a price to every evolution. Present Atsumu, the man with ever-creeping tendrils of insecurity that holds him down, thinks this is the reason why he can't commit to people as much as he wants, even when he had fallen in love with Sakusa or Kita-san. They'll eventually leave, and Atsumu is fine with it, he swears he is, because what matters are the memories of before and the memories now that he had with them. 

They happened. They were there in his life. And they will see each other again.

Atsumu just has a hard time believing his brother's words. And he remembers his shrine visit many years ago, where he asks the gods he doesn't know how to be alone, how to fill up the empty spaces of people that don't leave, but don't stay either. Over the years, he learns patience, but not commitment. Starts to see the negatives than sees the future he wants. 

(This is why he never told 'Samu about his failed confession. This is why he allowed his twin to only see cracks, but never the hollow inside, of what loving Kita was like—simple, natural, rooted. 

He never tells his twin that he started looking at relationships as exams—he's not prepared, he's going to fail, but he expects the low grade anyways, and it becomes his own undoing. 'Samu once told him that his crush was so obvious, that he was so dopey around the captain, that Kita-san won't like you back. 

Even if he was no longer obligated to protect Atsumu, he doesn't want the blonde to face heartbreak unprepared. 

Atsumu never tells him that he foresaw the answer Kita Shinsuke would give him. 'Samu thought he sulked around their room because he missed the opportunity to confess.) 

* * *

Two weeks after 'Samu pesters him into giving their old captain a drive (instead of paying for a shinkansen train for the both of them because his black-haired brother was a fucking cheapskate), Atsumu travels to the fields to pick up Kita. 

The route was always familiar to him since high school, when everyone gravitated to the farmer's traditional home to laze around, and it's still familiar to him now as he takes the third earliest train back to the familiar roads of Amagasaki. Takes a bus to the nearest stop to his old high school, walks to the familiar path of the Kita household, gets pummeled by Kita's dog and shakes him off as Hachiko the golden retriever licks his face, and knocks on the door, greeted with the wrinkled but joyful face of Kita Yumie. 

"Ah! Atsumu-kun! Welcome back!" 

"Hello, Obaa-san." Atsumu bows deep, the weight of his cross-shouldered duffel bag pulling him down. Yumie-san pats his hair like she always does. Her other hand is patting Hachiko. Atsumu feels like a golden retriever.

"Is Kita-san ready?" 

"He's just getting his car prepared. Oh, you should come in!" she says, shooing Hachiko away. The dog runs to Kita's small vegetable garden and miracle fruit patches, pulling the setter towards the household's living room. 

It hasn't changed the last time he's been here. There are pictures on the wall of Kita-san and his two siblings all dressed up and poised, of Kita and his grandmother side by side, of Inarizaki goofing around, of postcards him and Aran sent the farmer during international matches. Potted plants line the genkan, healthy and green, and he sees one gaudy pot he bought from the DIY store on display. (He thought it would be nice for his ex-captain to have some color in his home.)

As he waits, Atsumu sits by the kotatsu with Kita's grandmother, indulging in biscuits and tea that she set out.

"This is black tea." Yumie-san points to the metallic thermos resting on top of the table. "So you won't fall asleep on the road, Atsumu-kun."

"Ah, obaa-san, I don't mean to trouble you."

"Nonsense! You're welcome to help yourself here anytime, Atsumu." She pinches his cheek. "That much coffee isn't too good in your system, after all."

Atsumu doesn't know how Kita's grandmother knew of his terrible coffee addiction, unless that time where he stayed overnight trying to look through the cupboards for instant coffee was a signal for it, but before he says anything back, Kita appears from the sliding doors that lead to the backyard. 

Kita gives a small bow. "Hello, Atsumu. Oh, am I interrupting, obaa-san?" 

Before Atsumu could speak, Yumie-san bursts out a hearty laugh, and jollies out, "Not at all! I'm just giving him our homegrown black tea."

Atsumu immediately snatches the thermos. "Kita-san! I didn't know you grew black tea!" 

Kita beckons the setter to stand up. "It's a new project. I figured that since Osamu was starting to sell ochazuke in his store, I might as well grow some natural ones for him. But I'm only starting, so you could be my taste tester for now." The farmer picks up Atsumu's bag without faltering, and says, "Come, let's get your bag to the car. It's going to be a long ride."

It really would be a long drive. Amagasaki to Tokyo is 516.7 km away, and it takes six hours to get there because of the tolls, and minus the traffic congestion. 

Atsumu braves through, because it's Kita-san, and he doesn't want to disappoint him, even as adults. Atsumu sort of trips on the step to the driver's seat ("Don't laugh, Kita-san! I don't drive big vehicles!"). 

He turns on the engine and drives. 

As Atsumu roams around the streets with the farmer's Tundra, asking Kita _how was Shion-kun and his studies, was the harvest bountiful? Is Kosaku still trying to crossbreed his plants?,_ he peers at the little shops that hold more pertinence to him than the industrial buildings Amagasaki or Osaka ever had—the konbini that the club used to loiter around sells cheese corn dogs now instead of meat buns, and the ramen stall they ate after a good practice day was now a restaurant, with glass windows and tall, bamboo shoots growing by the entrance. There is a Starbucks by the place that always sells rotisserie chicken, and the pet shop's painted green. It used to be yellow. 

'Samu once had a 3 month long obsession with the Ratatouille Japanese dub, which was the only film that the grey-haired twin would religiously analyze about. As an adult, it had been his comfort film, relating to Remy for his family's reluctance in the blue rat's journey to cooking, and sort of teared up at Anton Ego's commentary. At age thirteen, he likely believed that rats could control your limbs by pulling one’s hair. On one fine Monday, his twin wanted to buy a rat plushie, which their aunt vehemently laughed at him for. 

Atsumu reminded him of this as he took the train back Amagasaki after asking who was going to pay for the gas ("Obviously you, 'Tsumu."), and theorized that his twin might be a Remy kinnie until now. He tells him as such, and 'Samu threatened to take away his Elric Brothers nendroids, even though it was THEIR Elric Brothers nendroids.

Atsumu believes, as he relives fond memories of his youth, that everything stays, yet the littlest things still change, shifting through time. Just like how 'Samu grows more in love with Ratatouille as he ages, understanding bits of the story a bit more. 

The drive starts. There's 6 hours to go. 

* * *

Before he had left his home to run to the station for the train to Amagasaki, he notices a crumpled note stuck on his fridge with a tacky TAIWAN (with bolded white letters that glitter) souvenir magnet he bought once in an international match, one that he subconsciously eyes everyday. 

Back when he had lived in the complex before with the rest of the Jackals and in extension, when he had loved Sakusa Kiyoomi, it was buried underneath all the other notes Atsumu wrote for himself—how to perfect his hybrid serves, how to cook udon (steps provided by 'Samu), the list of K-dramas Kita recommended in the LINE group chat, potential birthday gifts for Aran's sibling.

Sakusa, on the few times he visited his (ex-)boyfriend's apartment, was disgruntled at the blonde's mess of a fridge, and rearranged all the souvenir magnets and notes properly. The crumpled papers were straightened, the magnets were categorized by size instead of color, and he taps Atsumu on the shoulder, who was trying to watch an ASMR video on how to make omurice, until the setter turned around to face his cute and very tall spiker. 

The blonde rolls his earphones away. "Yeah?" 

Sakusa held the note, one he already knew by heart without even reading it:

_To Atsumu,_

_Eat a proper meal and sleep._

_Kita_

"Are you still going to keep this?" the black-haired man asked, ready to crumple it alongside all the other receipts he had thrown away with Atsumu's consultation, and the blonde turns off his phone. 

He thinks of Pokka Pokka Original Lemon Juice with Vit. C, umeboshi pickled plums, Nodoame sore throat candies in green plastic. 

He never threw it away before, he would never throw it now. It was a reminder of one of the few times that he was ever given an unconditional act of generosity without bruises from his brother and the bite of passive aggressive love to temper an ego that could rival Narcissus. It was one of the first times he ever felt that he was a boy who could be loved with kindness at all, kindness that was not bounded by blood or childhood nostalgia. 

Kita held everyone equally, and gave him a taste of what it means to love, because Atsumu is a man brimmed with it, but doesn't know how to love other than the toss of a volleyball, the language that he only knew. 

How could he throw it, when it's one of the memories he needed most of all?

(He never told Sakusa about Kita and Kaiyukan. The only thing the spiker knew about the farmer was that he was the former captain of Inarizaki Boys' Volleyball Club, and the supplier for 'Samu's rice.

There were a lot of things that Sakusa didn't know back then, like outside of the court, Atsumu was a coward when it came to commitment. That the separation between brothers and venturing to a world of professional volleyball alone and constantly changing teams was lonesome. That as much as he had believed in his high school's banner motto for volleyball, he couldn't apply it to his social life. It's why he sticks to his Inarizaki friends. He keeps his social circle small, consisting of people in his past, and players who were isolated because of their hunger. 

Sakusa didn't know that _Kiyoomi_ was easier to say out loud than _Shinsuke_ , that maybe it was harder to truly move on from Kita than it was to move on from Tobio and Shouyou. That Kita-san would always be _Shinsuke_ in his heart, but not _Kiyoomi_ . He knew that one day, he'll be called Sakusa again instead of _Omi-kun_ by his mind.

Confessing to Sakusa had been an act of bravery. Confessing to Kita had been an act to damnation.

He's not a good liar, but it was easier to keep to himself than to fabricate.)

"Yeah." he mumbles. He doesn't look Sakusa in thr eye. "Yeah, I'm gonna keep it."

He doesn't turn back his phone on, his appetite ruined. He stores the ingredients away, and cooks seafood instant ramen instead, for two. Atsumu doesn't talk to Sakusa as they sit on his tatami couch, replaying a VC Kanagawa match on his small, flat screen television. 

When Atsumu glances at Sakusa, the spiker gives him an unreadable expression. Atsumu doesn't want to know what it means. 

* * *

By the time they finish all the snacks packed by Kita's grandmother, they stop at a gas station to fill the tires with air before they enter the Meishin Expressway ramp. Atsumu's corn chip-filled stomach growls loudly as the two men shop for more snacks, the blonde bashfully looking away from the inquisitive gaze of one Kita Shinsuke. 

The farmer suggests eating in the Yoshinoya branch across thr station before they continue their trip.

As they push the doors open, the cool air from the establishment's AC makes the setter shiver, having abandoned his jacket in the pick up truck. The medium-sized restaurant is adorned with blocks of adhesive wood stuck against white walls, the orange chairs and tables contrasting the more minimalist design the establishment offered. They settle in a booth by the tall glass windows as the farmer orders chicken teriyaki for himself and beef yakiniku for Atsumu at the counter, the workers preoccupied by whispering to each other that it was _the_ Miya Atsumu in their restaurant.

Miya Atsumu the Black Jackals setter is currently distracted by the booth's tabletop. 

Gin once told him he hated going to Yoshinoya since the tabletops were so sticky, and Atsumu had laughed it off as he ate a Yoshinoya chicken teriyaki rice bowl in front of the PE teacher. Now, the setter refuses to touch the icky sticky tabletop after he touched it the first time. It's very sticky. It feels gross. Why is it sticky? Do health inspectors rate restaurants over sticky tabletops? 

While the blonde continues his disgusting tabletop dilemma, ignoring the clicks of cameras aimed towards him from the other patrons and waiters, Kita sits down across from him, carrying a tray of their food. "I ordered a large one for you, by the way." Kita hums. The aroma of the meal wafting through the air makes the blonde drool. "Do you want me to drive next?" 

"Nah." Atsumu stretches his legs, and accidentally hits Kita's calves. (The farmer doesn't pull away, but the setter does.) "It's not a big deal. Besides, we haven't reached halfway yet. We can just relax here for the time being."

"You know, you aren't obligated to drive the whole way."

"Oh, sure. But I've driven from Osaka to Tokyo before." Atsumu folds a tissue into a swan. It crumples. He balls it up. "So it's fine, really. Don't wanna burden you with the distance."

He takes a bite of his beef yakiniku bowl. It's rich, flavorful, and for a second, he forgets about the sticky tabletops. 

"How would you burden me?" Kita patronizes. "Unless it's like that time in high school when you came to me for help—" 

"Kita-san!" Atsumu groans out, putting his hands on his head. "I thought we already got over that!" 

* * *

High school Atsumu was still afraid of Kita, even when he had a crush on him. Kita from Kaiyukan seems human compared to Kita of Inarizaki, who watches over the club with the eyes of a thousand gods—"judgemental," (according to Gin) but not really, and filled with "divine fury," (according to 'Samu) but not really. And Atsumu doesn't plan to confess any time soon, maybe when the cherry blossoms bloom because he's a dramatic shit and his collection of shoujo mangas tell him that atmosphere is important for a heart-felt confession, and he's keen on the possibility that Kita doesn't like him back the same way he likes him. 

To subtly be noticed by his favorite third year—sorry, Aran-kun—he asks Kita little things, like "I need help with my Japanese Literature homework", or "Kita-san, do you understand this formula?", or "Kita-san, I don't get this—", and Atsumu, who wants to impress the unimpressionable Kita Shinsuke of Class 3-7, is too worried of what his captain would think of him. 

Is he a good for nothing kouhai who can't do anything without the guidance of his beloved (gag) brother or his perfect no-gaps senpai? Is he a co-dependent, user friendly teammate that will be forgotten once Kita goes to university? A loser who can't even pass his own math test? Did he need to uphold an image of a kouhai who doesn't need his senpai's help but appreciates his guidance?

He never asks these questions out loud, nor does his captain pry for any answers. It takes a quiet cleaning session of the gym for Kita to interrogate on Atsumu's weird mannerisms. 

"You only call me when you need something from me." Kita only says, a mild expression on his face but his eyes steeled. He doesn't follow up with anything. His tone is not confrontational, and it's not accusing either, but it's stated as a basic observation. 

Atsumu drops the several mops he'd been carrying back to the storage room. The clatter echoes in the cramped room.

"Uh—" 

Shit! He has to salvage this. 

"They're, uh—" 

How does he tell Kita-san that he likes it when the captain leans close to him, their shoulders bumping? How does he tell Kita-san that he likes how he smells like lemon? How does he tell Kita-san that he doesn't really pay attention to his tutoring, but at his long lashes and soft, squishable cheeks he'd like to kiss one day? 

How does he tell him without making himself look like an even bigger idiot than he already is? 

How does he not say that it's frustrating to be in the presence of a boy who's so close but so unreachable?

"They were just excuses!" Atsumu finally stammers out, his head lowered bashfully. He stares at the pristine wooden floor, continuing his explanation. 

"I just like spending time with you? But I don't know if you'll hang out with me for non-school related stuff, and I really, really am scared if you say no, because you don't say no to Aran, and I'm kind of jealous of Aran because he gets to be friends with you, and—" 

And he does, he likes spending time with Kita, he likes it when they're just alone.

That's just the truth. 

"That's just it. I like spending time with you." he finishes clumsily. 

When he looks up through his bangs after his rant, his captain just stands still, gripping the broom, his mouth pressed into a thin line. He blinks disbelievingly. 

Then Kita laughs, and it's not loud but it's not soft either, and it makes Atsumu's stomach warm and fuzzy. It resounds in the empty gym, and the thought _I just made Kita-san laugh!_ replays in his head like a broken record. 

There's tears in his eyes, the setter muses, and the third year is clutching his stomach, and he thinks of the time where he and 'Samu tried to make Kita laugh but couldn't, because only his grandmother could, of the day when he saw the shorter boy laugh a bit too loudly at whatever Aran said a few meters away, his back facing the twins. 

The captain wipes his tears. Tries to reign in his spontaneous giggles. "You do know we can hang out regularly outside of academics?" 

Atsumu slumps and wants to join the fallen mops on the floor. 

"You're a very scary person, Kita-san." And adds, "I don't wanna waste your time."

But Kita only smiles at him, his eyes crinkled and his ears pink, and after cleaning up the bathrooms and locking the doors, he takes Atsumu by the hand and brings him to a family-owned restaurant with his favorite tofu hamburger. Outside the glass windows, the sky is painted in reds and oranges and purples, and the sound of grilling and the scent of meat are the only things that fill his senses.

Atsumu has no idea why he was so afraid in the first place, with Kita biting into his hamburger in quiet joy. 

This is nice. He doesn't feel like he needs to straighten his back or force himself to be composed near Kita, he doesn't feel pressured to be a kouhai that Kita would prefer than be proud of. He doesn't need to be Atsumu the setter, but Atsumu the boy who fell in love with a beautiful boy, with lithe hands that help, with golden eyes that reminds him of rice paddies. 

"You're not a waste of time, Atsumu-kun." Kita says. "It's fine if you want to go out as friends. It's not a problem if you don't want to study with me."

"No!" Atsumu refrains himself from flinging his chopsticks. "I do like studying with you! I just—don't know if you like hanging out with me?" 

"Well," the third year graces him with a smile that's not a smile, the kind of smile where you aren't sure if he's smiling but he is. "I do like hanging out with you, tutoring or not."

A relieved sigh escapes the setter's lips. "And here I was worried that you thought I was a terrible kouhai who was only using you."

"If you were, I wouldn't say yes to every study session."

Atsumu almost tears up, biting into his own tofu burger. It's spicy, unlike Kita's mild one. "I really am your favorite kouhai." he says, tongue burning. 

Kita flicks his forehead lightly. "Don't push it.", the third year teases.

(The next day, after they clean the gymnasium again together, they buy milk tea. 

Atsumu always remembers that Kita drinks honeydew milk tea, and Kita always remembers that Atsumu drinks brown sugar milk tea.) 

* * *

The farmer chuckles from the memory. "I'm just making sure you're not driving me to Tokyo because you feel obligated to."

"I mean, I want to annoy 'Samu as well. It's been a while."

"You haven't seen him for a whole 2 weeks, Atsumu."

The blonde swallows a mouthful of yakiniku and rice. 

"And if I say it's an excuse to hang out with you more?"

Kita rests his cheek on the palm of his hand, elbows on the greasy orange table, golden eyes studying the setter. 

"I'm not opposed to it." he only quips, before digging into his own bowl. 

Atsumu flushes red again, but this time, it's not from the cold air of Yoshinoya's AC.

* * *

Years ago, at 10:42 pm, a bored Miya Atsumu was at a 24/7 FamilyMart in Dōtonbori, the establishment nestled within a call center building. 

It's April, it's hot, and his roots were growing out, a stark contrast to his platinum blonde. He dons a baseball cap he definitely stole from 'Samu before his twin left for university to cover it. (It has Vabo-chan sewed on the middle.) The setter uses the store's free wifi to download episodes of a k-drama and to await his email about his participation in the 2016 Rio Olympics, because he and Tobio were banding together for a slot against Aritsura Onigashira, and they really want to be in the world stage together ("Do you think we'll get chosen, Atsumu-san?", "Of course, Tobio-kun! Aritsura-san is ancient, so they have to pick us stronger and younger members, right?").

Moreover, he has a basket full of store-bought onigiri and a variety of KitKat flavors because he misses his brother and also he wants to try out soy sauce KitKat. ('Samu and Suna liked it. They ate it in front of Atsumu and Gin when they met up at a KFC without spitting it out. Gin cried as he told them to stop.) 

The FamilyMart was the only branch that had soy sauce KitKat. It also had wasabi KitKat, but Atsumu was sane enough to not purchase it at all. 

So, Atsumu takes a train to Dōtonbori because he's bored. 'Samu is too busy cramming for business school because his professors are masochists ("Why not culinary school?" "Because the tuition is too expensive." "And business school isn't?" "Shut up,' Tsumu."), and he can't complain to his twin about, well, whatever the hell Atsumu's bitchy ass wants to complain about. 

If he doesn't use up one million words per day, he's going to combust, disintegrate, eat his own heart out. 

And Suna, his fellow gossiper, muted him because he was too busy marathoning Lord of the Rings (the Director's Cut ones), in English, without Japanese subtitles, ever since Hoshiumi dared the Raijins to. Washio refused to participate. Komori gave up halfway into The Two Towers. Suna was snapchatting the entire film. 

He bumps into a person near the beverage coolers, and he's about to hastily apologize, but—

"Kita-san?" he stammers out. "What are you doing here?" 

"Hi, Atsumu." the ex-captain greets, unphased by the unusual meet-up. "I study in Osaka for Agricultural Sciences."

The Kita that stands before Atsumu wears a flowy, plain white t-shirt that does wonders to his arms, and is Kita-san a bit tanner? He's carrying a basket full of pre-packaged onigiri as well, alongside bottles of green tea and spray bottles of alcohol. Atsumu feels oddly defensive about his Kitkat purchases. 

"I knew that." Atsumu did not know that. He had thought Kita-san was at Kobe for community college. Since when did he transfer to Osaka? "I mean, what're you doing out here so late?" 

Kita eyes his Vabo-chan hat. The setter feels exposed. "I could ask the same thing about you." 

Atsumu hastily replies, "They didn't have these soy sauce KitKats in the convenience stores near my apartment, so I bought some." 

Nice. He finished his sentence without stuttering under the presence of his old captain. 

The college student hums. "They have an interesting taste. However, it doesn't taste like soy sauce. It's more maple syrup flavored."

"Do you recommend it?" 

"Not really. It's better than the cough drop flavor though."

Atsumu gagged. "Why do they have different flavors?" And why the hell does 'Samu like soy sauce KitKat? 

"I think it's to add variety. Eating only chocolate and matcha KitKats might be boring to some people. It seems a bit redundant to mass produce flavors that people don't want though."

"I certainly don't want to eat rum raisin. That's old people taste." Atsumu says. "You didn't tell me what you're doing up so late though. I thought you usually study by this time?" 

Kita raises an eyebrow. "How do you know my study time?" 

"You're not usually online during these hours ever since you started college. Figured it's because you're studying."

The older boy gives him an amused smile. "What a keen eye."

"I—!" Atsumu almost falters. "I need to take care of my spikers, after all!" he excuses, wanting to bang his head on the glass of the coolers. 

He's so fucking stupid. Kita-san doesn't even play volleyball anymore! 

But Kita lets the sentiment slide, already used to any spontaneous outburst the blonde has done since their Inarizaki days, and Atsumu is internally grateful that he doesn't care about the setter's embarrassing social cues. 

He eyes the blonde's basket full of onigiri and KitKats. "I think you should take care of yourself too. Going to Dōtonbori even though you live in Higashiosaka for KitKats seems a bit too extreme." 

Atsumu shoves his basket behind him. It hits his knees. He almost falls forward. The setter sighs. "I'm just not sleeping well. I've been waiting for a very important email. About the Olympic roster for this year. And to take Aritsura-san's setter slot. There's no doubt Tobio-kun would be selected, but there's four setters in the National Team, and two setter rosters for the Olympics. So."

The ink-dipped haired boy hums. "Good things come to those who wait." Kita reminds him. "Do you want to eat?" 

"This late? When all the restaurants are closed? "

"In the FamilyMart, Atsumu."

"Oh. Right."

A purchase later, Atsumu and Kita eat on the vacant tables of the FamilyMart in a call center agency building, slurping cup noodles bought last minute, the setter momentarily remembering that Kita can't cook. It's no wonder he's shopping in a convenience store. 

Atsumu admits he's waiting for the Olympics roster announcement, and he promised Hoshiumu he would set for him, and he told Tobio-kun that the both of them will be chosen, but Atsumu's not really sure anymore. 

Kita tells him the basics of his college days. _Yes, I'm doing alright. I find calculus to not be difficult unlike the other students. I offer tutoring._ Kita tells him stories of his roommate who has the same black tips like him. He has horrible fashion sense that he tries to ignore but was close to dialing either Atsumu or Suna for help. _He was a setter who showed off a lot, just like you. I think he came from Shiratorizawa and is Ushijima-san's age._ _You're not a fashion disaster, though._

Atsumu tells him that one time, the blonde had an emo phase, and he introduced it to 'Samu, but his twin had stayed in the phase a bit longer than the setter did, which was why 'Samu dyed his hair gray— _it's for the emo aesthetic, Kita-san. Even if he didn't care about his appearance that much, he wanted to get piercings! Ma didn't allow it._

His ex-captain simply replied that he also had an emo phase, but it was in middle school, and he nailed the resting bitch face but not the uniforms— _our jerseys were light purple. It made me look more preppy. Unfortunately, I already got past my phase once I entered Inarizaki, so I couldn't appreciate the all-black color scheme._ Atsumu laughs loudly, startling the patrons of the FamilyMart. 

By 11:19 pm, they step out of the store, the night a bit chilly but warm enough to make Atsumu still sweat. 

"You'll be chosen, Atsumu." Kita rests his hands on his shoulder. Atsumu relaxes under his touch. "You don't need to be worried about the selection. If you do something right, then you'll be guaranteed a slot." 

(They part at the station when they get into their trains. 

The morning after, Atsumu gets a confirmation email that he's in the Olympic team, with Tobio as his fellow setter. Hoshiumi, Ushijima, Bokuto, Gao, and Aran take the stage as well. 

_Beat that, Aritsura-san._ he thinks, taking a bit of his soy sauce KitKat. Huh, it does taste like maple syrup after all.)

* * *

As they enter the highway, playing the setter's playlist consisting of Chloe x Halle, Lady Gaga, and Rina Sawayama, 'Samu calls the setter to tell him he reserved them a room at an inn. 

The chef complains he forgot about how much Atsumu bitched about driving from Osaka to Tokyo, that it was draining and stressful and that the blonde's legs needed to stretch, that driving for five whole hours was exhausting. He wants to not hear him bitch again, even though that bitching is embedded into Atsumu's DNA and psychology. (Nevermind that Atsumu drove Shouyou to Tobio to the Adler's apartment in Tokyo because the setter was like, gay for them for a few months.)

"As a generous act for my loving brother, I'll be allowing you to rest in an inn before you reach Tokyo. You're not needed until tomorrow."

"You couldn't have said that before?" Atsumu rebuffs. He wants to scream into the road or honk the Tundra's horn, but refrains from doing so. 

"There was an accident." 'Samu returns, tone serious. "Well, not really, but a fuse blew up. There's an excess current so it's not safe for me and you to enter the shop until the contractors figure out what's going on. It's better for you two to stay put than waste your money on one more night in Tokyo."

"Is it serious enough to cause a fire?" Kita asks, removing the neck pillow that rests on his shoulders. Atsumu momentarily forgot he was on speaker phone. 

"I don't think so. Hopefully it's not a fatal short circuit. They say it's not something major, they'll just look into the circuit breakers."

"Gee, 'Samu. You sure got a shitty place for your new branch."

His twin growls into the phone. "That's just normal protocol, idiot—" 

"I'd rather rest than let you two fight, Atsumu. Osamu." Kita orders.

Atsumu hears 'Samu's breath hitching. The setter smirks, even if his brother can't see it. 

"Right. Um. I'll just send you the directions for the inn."

Atsumu then questions why he paid for the inn but not for a shinkansen ticket to Tokyo, but the chef just cackles and says "you lovebirds need to sleep" before Atsumu drops his phone and hits his knee. 

"It's okay, Atsumu." Kita calmly says, trying to find the setter's phone that slid under the seats. "We can rest for a day and arrive at Tokyo early tomorrow."

They exit the highway 20 minutes later, and stay in an inn within a small, countryside town. 

If 'Samu hadn't intervened, it would take them three and a half hours to arrive at Tokyo. 

* * *

Aran bailed on him a day before movie night. 

It was a friendly tradition of the Miya twins that they would take time to watch a film with movie nerd Ojiro Aran ever since the three of them got close in middle school, buying tickets beforehand with their own money and happy to indulge in a local theatre instead of the confines of their laptop screens.

However, 'Samu had abandoned this tradition in favor of going to Suna's house to flirt (gross, they weren't even boyfriends yet). Aran apologized beforehand to the blonde on Inarizaki's rooftop, telling him that his parents left last minute for a business trip and had to babysit his sibling. 

And it was okay for the setter, he's not big into horror, but the two tickets he bought were such a waste. And he's still bitter over their loss in Spring High against Karasuno. 

"Why don't I ask Shinsuke to go with you?" the ace suggests.

Atsumu, lying on the rooftop's ground, drops his flip phone on his face, mutters an "ow". Aran asked if he was alright. 

"Yeah, I'm fine." He was not. He's pretty sure it would leave a bruise. "Kita-san likes horror movies?" 

"He's neutral about it."

Atsumu looks at his childhood friend solemnly. "Aran-kun."

"Atsumu." Aran says solemnly back. 

"Are you sure? Because we can watch some other time, it's fine. I might spoil it for you anyways—" 

"Nah, you know how much I don't care for spoilers."

This was true. Aran reads the summary of the film in Wikipedia before AND during the film. He says it's to make sure the money's worth it, because visuals can't only sustain a story! Atsumu once asked him why he didn't read critiques instead, and the ace's only answer was because of bias. It's why Aran doesn't watch Quentin Tarantino films. 

"But is Kita-san busy?" 

"Maybe not? He's usually free on Friday nights." Then, Aran asks, "do you have a problem with Kita?" 

"Huh? No!" Atsumu rebutted. "Just have to make sure old rice brain wants to, you know?" 

The blonde couldn't quite hear what his childhood friend said, but he's sure that Aran muttered, _"I'm sure Shinsuke wants to very much."_ under his breath. 

"Can you repeat that?" Atsumu asks. 

"Nothing! It's nothing!"

Aran tells him at practice that Kita would like to watch the movie, that they can meet up tomorrow by the theatre, and the ace also warned the captain that the blonde was jumpy when it came to slasher flicks, Atsumu wailing "Aran-kun! How could you betray me?!" as he hopped into the ace's back for a piggy back ride. 

Kita approaches him and says he can hug him if he feels too scared. Atsumu's face is as red as a tomato. Gin told him he looked like a snow monkey. 

On Friday night, the chill air of January freezes and chips his gloved hands, his natural body heat refusing to cooperate with him. As he exits the bus, venturing forward to the theatre, he sees Kita patiently waiting inside the warm, family-owned cafe beside the cinema, brick walls covered in vines and bookshelves stacked with poetry books, fairy lights dangling above him. The third year sat by the couches, frantically texting on his phone with a blush on his cheeks, seemingly frowning at whoever was messaging him. Atsumu calls out to him, Kita looks up from his phone and smiles, asks him if he wants coffee, I know you like yours with cream, Atsumu. 

They sit in silence, jazz music playing in the background, the setter eavesdropping on people's conversations. They were minutes too early for the cinema doors to open, and the atmosphere is definitely awkward for Atsumu, but he knows Kita doesn't like small talk. He doesn't press. 

It gets better while they watch the movie. 

At least it does for his captain. Atsumu is too frightened by the gore and the ghosts, and gross, the person's head just snapped. Kita-san's face remains stoic, as if he predicted every single storyline from the script, but Atsumu is not a fan of horror and jumps on his seat, stifles a scream so he doesn't get kicked out. 

The white lady with impressively acrobatic skills crawls towards the protagonist, the girl trapped in the corner. 

Kita slithers his hand on Atsumu's, grips it tenderly. 

It's the only thing that the setter focuses on, engrossed with Kita's soft touch. 

As the ghost drags the girl into darkness, Atsumu tightens his grip on Kita's shoulder, not out of fear from the jumpscares and chases. 

Touching him seems natural. 

_Are you watching me?_ he wonders. _Are you watching me under the darkness of the theatre, are you watching me the same way I've watched you in the aquarium?_

_What do I look like under the flickers of the film's red color scheme?_

They exit the theatre doors as the credits rolls, Kita throwing away the popcorn bucket and Atsumu shaking from fright, but he's talking animatedly about the story and the effects and the angling— _it's the way the music adds onto the jumpscares, but the shots were so, so good! They could've done this instead of that, though_ —Kita merely listens attentively as he always does when Atsumu rambles, walking down the cold streets of Amagasaki, snow shovelled to the side of the roads, then tells Atsumu as he stares directly at the chatterbox—

"The moon is beautiful, isn't it?" 

Atsumu pauses in his steps, looks at Kita, looks at the full moon curtained by clouds. It gives an ethereal glow.

"Yeah." Atsumu mumbles. "Yeah, it's beautiful." 

_It reminds me of your hair._ Atsumu doesn't say. 

Kita hums pleasantly. He grabs the setter's gloved hands. 

"Let's eat dinner in the night market." he says, tugging lightly. "Because you didn't eat the popcorn during the film."

Atsumu pouts at the third year, an image of his empty wallet flashing in his mind. "I don't have enough money on me, Kita-san."

"I can pay for you. As a treat for the movies."

The night market in the nearby park were just stalls with white tents and grills, nothing worthy to remember, nothing picturesque to share on social media, it's clearly new and maybe underfunded, but two boys eat their fill of yakitori, okonomiyaki, and oyakodon donburi in one night, the blonde asking the two-toned haired boy what he likes most about the film—the story's okay, do you think Aran-kun would like it?—probably not, did I disturb you?—no, you didn't, it's scary, I'm just not easily scared, do you want to do this again? 

Kita's eyes crinkled as he observes Atsumu finishing off his crepe. 

"I'd like that." He takes a bite of his coffee jelly. 

Atsumu never knew Kita had such a big appetite, just like him. 

* * *

As they settle into their shared room, unpacking their toiletries, Atsumu receives an Instagram story from Suna, pointing his camera at the perfectly undamaged and lit up Tokyo branch of Onigiri Miya with his twin subtly smirking. The middle blocker captions it (in script) as "go get some dick, loverboy" with three heart emojis, one eggplant, and lots of sparkles. 

Atsumu calls his twin when Kita goes out to buy dinner. 

"What the fuck are you doing." 

"Hello to you too." his twin drawls, hearing a familiar snort in the background. It's Suna. 

"What are you doing?" the setter repeats, rummaging through his bags for his sleepwear. 

Suna takes the phone. "Like what the story says, we're trying to get you some dick, loverboy. So we faked the whole short circuit thing."

Atsumu sputters, almost drops his phone again until he catches it with his awesome reflex, then hisses into the phone. 

"What're you talking about?"

Atsumu can feel Suna rolling his eyes on the other end of the line. Prick. 

"You're so fucking lovestruck over Kita-san it makes me want to vomit." 'Samu says. "So you either confess before you step foot in my restaurant or else."

"Oh~! I'm so scared!" the setter mocks in a sing song tone, elongating his 'oh'. He snarls at an empty room. 

"I'm serious Tsumu."

"Oh, look." Suna interrupts. "He's not denying it. He's definitely in love with Kita."

"Shut the fuck up, Sunarin. Give him his phone back—" Atsumu hears a thwack, probably his twin slapping the Raijin's head lightly. "And I'm serious too 'Samu. Do you think I have a chance to be with Kita?" the blonde scoffs. "And what makes you think I'm in love with him?" 

"You seem happier around him lately than you ever were with Sakusa."

"Huh?" 

"Uh, you bring him to dates whenever he visits?" 'Samu says, incredulous at his blonde twin's stupidity. "You make him stay overnight at your place which is the equivalent of a pig-sty—" 

"It's cluttered! Not a pig-sty—" 

"You literally bring him to the places you used to visit with Sakusa—" 

"Maybe I just like those places—" 

"Can you just shut up, 'Tsumu?" 

Atsumu presses his mouth into a thin line.

"Look, even Aran noticed it, and you're clearly madly in love with my rice supplier."

The blonde snickers, makes sure it crackles into the line. "And what? You think we're compatible or something?" 

"Fuck no."

"That's how you approved of Omi in the first place! Because of our compatibility?" 

"And that didn't work out, didn't it?" 

Atsumu has not told him about his one-sided love with Sakusa and the pity dating, has never told him about his crushes on Tobio and Shouyou, never tells him about his love life. He feels a headache coming from his twin's scheming, how he won't leave this alone for some fucking reason, that maybe Atsumu is okay being friends with Kita instead of laying his heart out again, only for it to be given back. 

"Why are you doing this?" 

"I just don't want you to be alone, Tsumu." his twin says softly. "You don't date for too long, and when you did, it didn't even end well, considering how your Omi-kun ditched you for Ushijima."

"Hey! There's nothing wrong with Omi-kun and Ushijima's relationship! I've moved on and re-established myself as one of Omi-kun's closest friends!" 

"You're oddly defensive about this—"

"I'm a fucking adult, 'Samu." His voice raises, his volume deafening the silence. The room is shrinking before his eyes, and he feels tinier, and he grows even more tired, feels like he's aged. "It's not your decision to do this—to set us up! I've already confessed back in high school! You think he's gonna change his mind now?" 

There's a clamor on the other line, his twin cursing before asking, "What? Since when?" 

Atsumu doesn't answer. Through his rummaging, his clothes were now unfolded and wrinkled, and he doesn't know what he's looking for anymore. He doesn't know a lot of things. 

(He can't do this. He can't break a friendship because Atsumu was a coward for bonds that might snap, that it will knot itself again but he has to watch over it before it loosens. The trip was supposed to be for two friends who had gotten close through the sands of time, adulthood making them a bit softer, a bit bolder. 

Atsumu was not afraid of Kita, not like he was in high school, but—

Why? Why was it so hard to move on from Sakusa, when it was easy to accept the lie that he moved on from Kita throughout the years? What makes the circumstance different? 

What makes a bleeding heart seal up? 

Sakusa was different. It was so easy for Atsumu to fall in love with him, yet hard to move on from. 

Kita was the opposite. It was so easy to move on from Kita yet so hard to fall back in love, because it crashes down, as if it were a tsunami he can't avoid, sucked into the waves.

That it was so easy, so simple to like a simple boy, yet he can't fall in love back, unused to loneliness. Kita has already seen his lowest point back in France. He can't bear the farmer seeing it again.)

"Tsumu—"

Atsumu hangs up, disconnects his twin's upcoming call, tells him that they'll arrive in Tokyo tomorrow. Silences his ringtone he came to associate with his twin (it's Lady Gaga. 'Samu never understood why him and Suna loved Lady Gaga). Kita arrives a minute later, circling Atsumu as if he were broken glass he was meant to side step, carrying store-made bentos, and for some reason, he has pudding. 

"They didn't have those premium ones." he says. "So I got those three-pack. You can have two of them."

They eat dinner in uneasy silence. 

He wonders if Kita heard it all, through coincidence, through secret god-like powers, or if he never heard it, but just knew what had transpired. Kita knows a lot of things. 

Maybe the farmer knows if he approached him now, ask questions about the blonde's agitation, he'll blow a fuse like 'Samu's restaurant was supposed to. 

Atsumu asks Kita's gods if Kita would ever like him back now. This time, he doesn't want an answer. 

He's not ready to meet Kita head on. 

* * *

A few months ago, maybe more, he's eating ice cream on 'Samu's couch after his brother interrogates him for answers about his and Sakusa's break up to no avail, crying like a wimp. He asks himself what he should've asked long ago—

What's the difference between loneliness and being alone?

And as he joins in a k-drama watch party in the Inarizaki VBC alumni Discord server the next evening, before he leaves his twin's apartment in Amagasaki and goes to his new home in Osaka, he thinks that maybe he was never alone. Everyone is connected through an invisible spiderweb weaved of their own doing, meant to stay or meant to leave. He thinks of food becoming muscle, seniors teaching juniors. Losses and wins. 

But he's lonely. He has friends, and a loving family, but is there someone he could love, as much as someone could love him? 

And he thinks of middle school, of 'Samu who doesn't wait for him when he continues extra practice, of Aran taking a step back to watch him set better, be better. And before he had left for Osaka for his first professional team, he had asked the gods I don't know how to be alone, but he ponders a bit more, and sees that he does know how to be alone. It's just that he does not know how to be lonely. 

This is what he asks the gods, venturing to a nearby shrine near his apartment complex in a quiet neighborhood in the streets of his hometown, because the shrine near the farmlands is too far away—

Maybe I do know how to be alone, I've done it before in middle school. but I don't know how to love and how to be lonely properly. 

This, the gods don't have answers to. It's up to a golden boy's hand to learn it himself.

But here's an answer the gods would've given him anyways, if he allows himself to soften, allows himself to never expect, but to accept it as it is—

There's nothing wrong with being in love. You are a boy filled with it, after all.

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fun fact! i might be wrong bc i read it in a now deleted post in reddit, but national team and olympic roster are different. olympic roster only allows 12 players, and theyre all required to play. what happens in olympic volleyball is that players strategized to match up against the rivaling country. 
> 
> for example, atsumu is benched in the argentina match, but not kags, bc kags might have been chosen to play against oikawa bc he knows how oikawa plays. he's required to play the full match unless he gets subbed. meanwhile, kags is benched in the canada match in the extra new panels from vol. 45, while atsumu plays a whole match against canada, bc he's probably more suited to bring down that team's defense (i think argentina specializes in offense so all the best receivers in the JNT were matched up with argentina, while canada specializes in defense so the best spikers in JNT were matched up with canada.)
> 
> in summary, there's no such thing as starter OR second string players in the olympic roster. hence the "atsumu is a benchwarmer" jokes make no sense, bc that would imply that ushijima, yaku, and hoshiumi were benchwarmers for the entire olympics as well bc they didnt play in the argentina match (and we all know hoshiumi cant stand that!!! tf!!! hoshiumi short king anthem!!). this is why atsumu and kags want to play in the rio olympics in the fic—there's abt 4 setter slots in the national team, and the olympic roster only needs 2. the setter kags and atsumu wanted to steal the slot from is an actual listed setter in furudate's fictional national team. 
> 
> national team, meanwhile, requires all 25 players to play for world league. for example, suna cant play in olympics bc he wasnt chosen for the roster, BUT he can play for world's, since he's required to. it's mentioned somewhere that ushijima participated in the 2014 world league but idk what part it was.
> 
> also if u think atsumu's mental gymnastics to not confess to kita is bad, wait til u see kita's thinking as well


	3. friday, i'm in love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Let's be vulnerable boys.
> 
> — or, the confessables.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ao3 user omelette's bullshit gay prose chapter ft.kitas pov!! (9k words... 26k final word count.... clown behavior) 
> 
> this whole chapter was rushed because of spite and also before i get bombarded with reqs and avoid ao3 for a bit. (so u know how recent other atsumu pairings that have past atsukita in the fics are like: "kita breaks atsumu's heart bc he's cold-hearted or whatever and cant accept atsumu's love that he gives for him" even though he's one of the kindest inarizaki characters alongside aran as shown in the whole inarizaki match and literally made a whole ass rant about monsters and he used atsumu as a reference affectionately??? yeah whats up with that. why is it getting more fics lately to fuel other specific atsumu ship development, untagged past atsukita or not.)

* * *

_Honey, you're familiar, like my mirror years ago._

_— Hozier_

* * *

The coach of his French team sternly asks him to rest, implying that he will not allow any arguments from the blonde. _Skip morning practice, Miya, you can't play when you look like shit,_ he orders. Atsumu briefly wonders if he probably got ratted out by his teammates who worriedly patted his back after downing two whole bottles of red wine yesterday, because if there was one thing Atsumu was good at, it was making a fool of himself in front of everyone. 

It had been several rough nights. His hair had been unkempt with his roots starting to contrast his blonde hair, his eyebags darker and his cheeks a bit hollow. All his serves in practice had been out of bounds. He clicks his tongue in annoyance, refrains himself from lashing out to his team. He's forced to be benched, gets told that they need him at his best, _but_ _for now, Miya, take a leave,_ since they cannot pronounce _Atsumu._ Osamu isn't here with him, being called Miya is fine. He's not sure what the balding middle-aged coach thought as he watches the setter's back like a hawk to make sure he steps out of the gym. He only hears the words "poor guy" in accented English, whispered to the assistant coach from Toronto. 

He hates it. He hates being pitied. 

He hasn't been in practice for four days. The coach doesn't allow him to. His teammates don't allow him too. Atsumu stomps in anyways for morning practice only, just to observe by the sidelines, to distract himself from the ache in his chest. Participates in conditioning but not on plays. He misses the leather of a Mikasa as much as he misses Sakusa. 

Kita calls him at exactly 8:04 am, French time, before he leaves for the gym to stand by the sides again. In Japan, it's 4:04 pm, where Kita rests from his harvests he does by hand instead of by machine, properly tending to his fields without the use of pesticides, knee deep into the mud-filled paddies where the ducks waddle to reduce the number of bugs in the fields. 

Atsumu, struggling with the culture of a European country but finally knowing enough French to get by, answers his call, misses speaking in his native tongue and his Kansai-ben. French doesn't make him as chatty as he would like to, and neither does English, but he hasn't called back anyone from home since the break up. He has blocked the privy MSBY group chat in case they interrogate him about what happened between him and Sakusa. He hangs up on 'Samu because he doesn't want to admit that he misses him, he wants to go back home. 

He misses a lot of things. Kita's soothing voice is one of them. 

"Atsumu. Is there something wrong?" Kita starts, his voice firm. 

He mentally takes that back. Being scolded by him? Not something Atsumu truly misses at all. The setter suddenly wants to argue an unarguable man, a man who has divine fury but never lets the earth crumble. Kita is a grounded man. He's unshakable to any protests that come out of Atsumu's mouth. 

Atsumu strategizes about what he needs to say to save face. Everything is wrong, everywhere feels like quicksand, and what's there to salvage of Present Atsumu, gone from the comforts home and his friends, alone? How did Hinata cope with it for all those months, from the timezones and the shitty wifi that disconnects everyone's conversation short? Yet Atsumu is a liar. He's not a good one, according to 'Samu, but he tries anyways. It's always been like that—he tries, he fails, he succeeds. As much as he sucks at it, it's natural, a habit that's been stuck since his birth. He lies. He attempts to convince Kita Shinsuke the farmer to not worry about him. 

He hopes he sounds casual. "Huh? There's nothing wrong! Why is there anything wrong? What makes you think that?" 

"You ramble a lot when you're lying." Kita says, not matter-of-factly, never unkindly. He just states whatever he sees, and he sees a sad man. "You haven't spammed the chat recently."

Atsumu clicks his tongue. "Maybe I was busy."

"Atsumu." 

Kita's soft yet sharp tone vibrates in his phone's speaker. Authoritative, demands to be followed. Atsumu has always been so weak when it comes to opposing what Kita sees. The blonde closes the ajar wooden-framed window of his Parisian apartment, the one that leads to a balcony where he hangs his laundry, jersey open to the city. The apartment seems emptier than it has ever been, and it already lacked the well-cared furniture stored in Amagasaki, his belongings ready to be taken back once he plays in Japan again. 

"Did 'Samu tell you?" _About the break up?_

"Yes." 

Atsumu sneers, hoping that his former captain visualizes it from the other side of the world, where his harvest is ample and the sunset is divine and more romantic than Paris will ever be, where Hyogo was within his grasp. 

"So why are you calling me?" he asks accusingly. "Because I can't process emotions properly? Huh? Is that it?" 

Kita doesn't hesitate to say, "Yes."

Simple. Blunt. Straightforward.

It's that trait of his the setter misses the most. 

Atsumu crumples, as he does for the past four days, sits on his carpeted floor limply, holds the tears that have already dried. If he hugs his legs to his chest, maybe he'll close in on himself like a Matryoshka doll. He rests the phone on his lap and envisions himself as a broken man, chipped like the light blue walls of his temporary home in France that he should definitely have checked with the landlord. Heartbreaks are cruel. He would know that. The dam opens, because you couldn't hide anything from Kita. He has the eyes and ears of a god. 

"Everything feels so wrong, Kita-san." he sniffles. His lungs feel like a furnace—burning and suffocating. He's struggling to speak words. "I know I should tell 'Samu what happened, or why it happened, but—" 

"Atsumu. You're allowed to breathe. Take time to gather yourself." He continues, voice a bit softer, "It's hard. You don't need to say everything to me. You just need someone to talk to."

Atsumu really, really thanks Kita's gods that they have made someone like him. Kind, compassionate, even with his logical thinking. Considering to a fault to an inconsiderate guy like Atsumu. 

The setter takes a deep breath. Once, twice, thrice. The air feels stale. "Sakusa didn't like me. I mean, he only likes me as a friend. That's why we broke up."

Not a second later, Kita replies, "So, he dated you. Out of pity."

Even his consolations were emotionless. Atsumu snorts out a humorless chuckle. "You don't cut any corner do you, Kita-san."

"I'm just stating it as it is." 

_I'm just stating the truth._ is what Atsumu understands. _I'm just stating the reality you refuse to see, but I'm here. I know what's going on now._

"I don't know why I didn't end it earlier." Atsumu starts, rubbing his eyes. They sting and itch from the dryness, a weight in his chest that hasn't subsided for a few days. He wants to spill his heart to feel lighter again, a flood of emotions that shouldn't be pent up.

"I didn't know that he would take this long to let us pretend. And I'm supposed to be angry. Anyone's supposed to be angry when you realize the guy you've dated hadn't been in love with you at all, but I'm angry at myself for already seeing it but letting it happen."

 _I'm angry at myself for not seeing the signs._ Atsumu doesn't say. 

_I'm angry at myself for wanting something that's not there._

_I'm angry that I still want him. Or maybe I don't want him._

"It's just—I miss him, you know? He's here, but he's so far."

_He's here in the memories of Osaka, in the little souvenirs I had been collecting just for him. He's here but he isn't, hasn't been in a long time or since the start of this relationship._

_Despite it all, he doesn't love me. Is it so pathetic that I want to call him back?_

(How funny. It's the same words he told himself when Kita rejected him, but didn't push him away. Now, he's laying his love life to the man who had his heart first.)

For the rest of the call, Kita stays silent, but doesn't hang up, doesn't give him reassuring words, doesn't say _any_ words. 

All the blonde hears is even breathing. Atsumu never knew why Kita stayed silent until Atsumu asked him _am I unlovable? Do I have unlovable hands?_ He doesn't call out on it. He lets it happen. Two days after, Kita sends Atsumu a month's worth of dried and seasoned seaweed, straight from Japan. 

(In life, people tend to change, yet still keep fundamental parts of themselves in their core. Atsumu, who may or may not be a little nicer now, is still an asshole. He is still a boy brimmed with love. He thinks of Tobio-kun, the goody-two shoes who changed into a silent king in such a short time, yet is still a man who still lacks social cues, permanently stitched with passion for a sport he's gifted in. He thinks of Bokuto, who may have gotten out of his mood swings, yet still gives his 120%. Even if Atsumu wholeheartedly agrees with his school banner of not needing memories, memories, Atsumu thinks, is essential to the eye. It builds up everything about yourself, yet it is important to let things go as everyone progresses as they age. 

Throughout the memories of Kita changing and being unchangeable, the farmer doesn't need words to be the most lovely human Atsumu has ever met. In this world of change and permanence, devotion is one thing that's difficult to maintain. It's only been effortless for Kita.

Kita, who is forever kind and beautiful, Kita, who has always been memorable for the setter in the littlest things. In memories, perceptions of someone can be shifted, that maybe they aren't the same person as they used to be, but Kita has always been an infinite human, with rituals that he never fails to deliver. 

Atsumu remembers umeboshi packs. Umeboshi is not sold in France. When Suna had visited his old apartment back in the Jackal dorms, where the walls were thin and the doors were creeky, he teased him about how Kiyoomi had the blonde wrapped around his fingers, gesturing to the packs of umeboshi in his fridge. Suna had called him _"whipped"_ , and said _"don't you know that's old people food, 'Tsumu?"_. The middle blocker ran past Atsumu's tatami couch to avoid any of the setter's weak punches, ducking around the small area, but as the Raijin glances behind him, the Jackal stays still by the kitchen counter, tenderly holds the pack, doesn't chase Suna for mocking his umeboshi. 

Atsumu doesn't tell Suna that he has been collecting four packs of pickled plums every two weeks because of a certain care package. That ever since he became a professional volleyball player with a paycheck for every sponsorship and successful game, he has bought umeboshi for years because of a godly boy. 

He doesn't plan on stopping with the umeboshi. He'll preserve the seaweed for as long as he stays in France.)

* * *

Many years ago, rice farmer Kita Shinsuke fell in love with Atsumu. 

It starts like this, as a lot of things do in his life. It's not a leap, nor a dive, but a small, calculated step that becomes a habit that has never faded. It begins when he sees Atsumu doing his small fist pump when he gives a perfect toss in secret, like always. It's cute, Kita mused. 

It continues when he laughs at unfunny jokes with his brother with a childlike gleam in his eyes. It evolves with Atsumu following Kita, and Kita following Atsumu, the captain watching the blonde's every move and tick, and thinking that it's endearing and no longer associating the blonde dye as hay but imagines it as the color of fields. 

It takes 2 years for them to know each other, since Atsumu is an open boy who tells him superficial things about himself, never wanting to reveal his true feelings, even though he wears his heart on his sleeve. He says this— _I like volleyball. I will not tell you why I like volleyball. I like my twin's cooking, but I will never admit it to his face. I am in love, but I do not see it last long_. And Kita is a boy who does not hide any secrets, honest in relaying on what bothers him. Yet he is a boy who doesn't even recognize his emotions until there is an impact, like when he had received his jersey, and he cried in joy, never processing that it had been happiness until Aran pointed it out. 

It hits him in Inter High, when the blonde gives the most honest, love-filled smile Kita has never seen before on the second year's face, as he defends himself against Itachiyama's offenses. It's the way his honey brown eyes shine brightest under the stadium lights, the way his mouth that never shuts close shouts in ecstasy after a victory, the way that it makes him human instead of a god of destruction that brings his team their best offense. It's the way that it's not a smirk, nor a grin, but a confession that he loves what he's doing now, as the setter of Inarizaki. 

Among the lights of the court, among the gazes of the Inarizaki Cheer Band, Kita simply fell in love with an easy boy who makes easy sets, with the smile that rivals a thousand suns. That was it. Just a smile. 

It's not rushed, falling in love with Atsumu, unlike how he competes with his brother in every single thing. It's breathless. It's simple, and there is no reason to like him. There is also every reason to like him. 

But here is the secret, an untold story. 

After he was handed his diploma and taking a celebratory group shot with the rest of the club by the school's baseball field, he visits his gymnasium one last time before he enters university. He will learn about agriculture just like his parents before him before their deaths, and before them, his grandmother who has seen better days now. In an empty Inarizaki gymnasium, Kita Shinsuke breaks Atsumu's heart for a reason. It's not a good reason. It's not a bad reason either. 

When Atsumu confessed, without gifts or pleasantries but only with his heart, his mouth wanted to say yes. _Yes, I like you too. Yes, I want to be your boyfriend._

_Yes, I want you, but I am not ready, and neither are you._

Kita is a devoted boy. Yet he's not sure if he can be devoted to a blonde who will go places far beyond his own humble world of normalcy and simplicity, even if he wants to watch the setter take the world stage. 

His mind tells him to say no. _He won't want you forever. He'll grow tired of you. He won't remember you._ It's the only time Kita has ever been afraid. It's the only day in his life he never started or ended something properly. 

He apologizes, gives a cryptic answer, bows. Atsumu is a boy meant for greater things than to love a boy who wants to take on agricultural sciences, sees the way the setter's eyes light up when he witnesses formidable foes on the court. Atsumu's eyes never shone whenever he's with Kita. His mind tells him that whatever the setter felt, it's not love, it's infatuation, a schoolboy crush that will pass. 

(Atsumu still gravitates to him when they're adults. Not in a lost puppy way back in highschool, but as if the gods had always destined for them to be together, 30 minutes apart by commute. Kita enjoys spending time with the Inarizaki Volleyball Club alumnis on their off days, back in Amagasaki or somewhere in Osaka. Distance is not an issue when everyone comes back together, reminiscing their youth. It's nostalgic to see the little ticks of his friends that they never got over with, and rejuvenating to see how much they thrive as adults in a country that wants you to be busy all the time. 

However, he likes spending time with Atsumu, who tells him shitty jokes while Kita responds back with his sardonic humor. He brings Kita to places in Osaka that aren't memorable, yet everywhere with Atsumu is memorable to him. He used to drag Atsumu around as high schoolers, mostly because the blonde had bad spatial awareness and would often get lost, but on his college days, the setter drags him to mundane places—like a thrift shop to give away belongings and collectibles he no longer needs, to an ice-cream stand in a park where the benches are constantly repainted, to a little candy shop that has good umeboshi candies. He never went around Osaka alone when he had a free cut, prioritizing his studies, but Atsumu, like he always does, barges into his dorm from his third to fourth year in college on weekends, and the blonde brings him everywhere that isn't a tourist spot. 

He craves as he touches the setter's hands, thick and calloused from volleyball. He is a kind boy, but he isn't fond of touches. He wouldn't call himself touched-starved, but he's critical about closeness. He loves the feeling that they were on dates, even though they aren't, as he gets to hold rough palms and long fingers of a boy who never misses an opportunity to be with him during the off-season. 

It's one thing when he sees him with Sakusa, but does not hate the Itachiyama alumni for snagging the setter's heart, the same one he pushed back all those years ago. He hates it more when Atsumu still yearns for the Itachiyama alumni after they had broken up. 

(One afternoon, when Sakusa had been in Tokyo with Komori and Atsumu invited Kita to some foreign indie movie premiere in Amerikamura without the others, Kita had asked him, "Why do you want me here?" 

Atsumu blinks owlishly at him, refrains himself from sipping his black coffee to answer back. 

"Because I like spending time with you here, Kita-san." he says. "Why?" 

_Because I like you._ Kita thinks. _It's hard to move on if you let me in, when you're preoccupied with someone else._

"No reason." Kita replies instead, snuggling into his scarf. It's autumn. It's cold. Autumn reminds him of the day he first brought Atsumu to the family-run business of his favorite tofu hamburger, when the setter told him the same thing—he likes spending time with Kita. "Just thought you wanted to bring Sakusa-san, your boyfriend, for this movie if he returned."

Atsumu leans back on the chair and manspreads. "Nah. He doesn't like these kind of movies."

What a coincidence. Kita doesn't like western movies too, but doesn't hate it either. He's never experienced displeasure in them, preferring to watch dramas or other Asian films. He's not sure if Atsumu knows this aside from his k-drama addiction. 

_But it's you. So I'll go with you._ Kita doesn't say. 

They're in a small theater located near a conglomerate of universities, one meant and priced for college students. It's for more international movies that have already premiered in large chains months ago, although were allowed reruns by the independent theatre, as long as their sales went to the distributors. Like the other small-owned businesses and restaurants that surround them, it's obscured by the tall buildings in Osaka, with A3-sized posters stuck on the glass windows, and larger ones in acrylic glass casing displayed inside a hallway that leads to the ticket booth. It only has two theatres. It rivals the size of a lecture hall. 

The story is about a girl in Sacramento. It's a coming-of-age story. Kita doesn't know why Atsumu wanted to watch it, it's not really his taste, unless the blonde had developed an appreciation of films that were neither action nor comedy, just like Aran's type of movies. Atsumu never looks away from the screen, never laughs at the jokes either, whispers to Kita _"I want to eat those circular breads like them"_ even if Kita knows that they were meant for religious traditions than snacks _._ As much as he does not like western-based films, Kita listens intently to the dialogue of Sister Joan and Lady about her college essay as Lady Bird professes her desire to take up university beyond her rural hometown. 

_"Don't you think that maybe they are the same thing? Love and attention?"_ Sister Joan asks. 

Kita secretly longs for Atsumu's attention then, if they were the same thing. It's hard to move on from him when Atsumu has become a constant in their busy lives. It's harder to avoid his harboring crush when Atsumu is the one pursuing him without the intention to stay.

So Kita silently grieves for a love story that would never happen due to his own cowardice. He dreams of a golden boy instead of reaching for Atsumu's hands in the tiny theatre room. He has a boyfriend. He can't long for someone who has already moved on. Except Kita is a man of constants, and his first love had always been Atsumu, and he will be his last. 

Atsumu rests his head on the shorter man's shoulder anyways, as Christine calls her mother, thanking her, remembering the days in Sacramento. It's far more intimate than holding hands of an unavailable man.)

* * *

Atsumu brings Sakusa in the Shinsaibashi Onigiri Miya branch, their place of choice for another Inarizaki reunion due to it's area size and mobility. Kita thinks it's strange how a bunch of busy adults have time to party like this once a month, but he can't complain as Osamu and Gin drink shots and Suna is stuffing himself with his boyfriend's onigiri, with Akagi and Oomimi flirting up a storm. The other former members and their plus ones are shit faced drunk or dancing to hyperpop they do not understand the lyrics to. Aran is by the restaurant's cooler to do god knows what. Probably avoiding whatever the hell the second years were doing. Kosaku is attempting a keg stand. 

Across from the entrance, Atsumu spots Kita leaning on the faux-mahogany walls of Onigiri Miya nursing a flavored Asahi can and a killer buzz in his temples, but not enough to make the farmer spill his non-existent darkest secrets. The blonde grasps Sakusa's jacket sleeves and guides him to Kita, Atsumu grinning wildly at his former captain. Kita gives a welcoming smile for the both of them, trying to avoid Sakusa's inquisitive gaze. 

"Kita-san, hi! Do you remember Omi-kun?" 

_Yes, I know Omi-kun. He's in your Instagram everyday._ Kita thinks, albeit bitterly. He's not really sure if Sakusa was in Atsumu's Instagram posts all the time, but he is in his stories, fleeting and unsmiling. Kita has ghosted his own Facebook for several years already. He has never visited Twitter once in months. He's only active in LINE and Discord watch parties. He gets rumors from Suna and Oomimi instead. 

"Of course." he says with a steady voice, gripping his beer can a bit too tightly. "Hello, Sakusa-san." 

"Likewise." the black-haired man grumbles out. "How were you able to reign in Miya anyways? I'm already struggling as his boyfriend." he says, not unkindly. His tone is teasing, and Kita can envision a smirk behind the medical mask, but Atsumu playfully hits his arm. Sakusa rolls his eyes fondly. 

"Omi-kun! How rude!" the blonde scolds, but hugs the spiker's muscled arm anyways. It's endearing he has never changed from his koala-like latching. It had either been Aran or Osamu as his victims. Kita just really wished he wouldn't hug Sakusa. Because he's mysophobic. _That's it,_ Kita reasons with himself, _because he hates germs. I'm not jealous._

"It's a joint effort with Aran and I." Kita comments, making his voice as steady as possible. "One way to hold Atsumu back from doing anything too reckless is to—" 

"I'm gonna get some soju!" Atsumu shouts to make Kita stop talking, visibly shaken at the prospect that the farmer would relay embarrassing stories to Sakusa like a sweet grandmother talking about her grandchildren. He pecks Sakusa's masked cheek as he leaves the two alone in the corner, untouched by the other patrons of a closed onigiri restaurant for a party. Kita doesn't visibly gag from the kiss per se, but his body jerks at the affectionate action, hoping that Sakusa wouldn't talk to him. Kita doesn't like awkward small talk, and he thinks Sakusa won't appreciate his humor as an ice breaker. 

But Sakusa gives him a look as he loses his boyfriend in the crowd. It's not a look Kita appreciates. It's invasive. 

"Is there anything wrong, Sakusa-san?"

Sakusa squints, but shrugs. "No, there isn't."

Kita does not believe that for one second. "Why are you looking at me strangely then?" 

The spiker remains unperturbed. Kita briefly asks himself if the setter has a type in stoic men with little tendency to be dishonest. 

"Atsumu said you weren't confrontational."

"I am not." Kita replies with a little bite. "I'm simply stating that you're staring."

Sakusa merely takes a sip from his small canister, one he had bought for himself so he wouldn't have to touch the germs of other people grabbing for beer cans. Kita knows that little trivia ever since Atsumu cooed the LINE chat with pictures of Omi-kun on their dates, with Kosaku asking _"I thought he hated crowds?"_. Atsumu says Omi-kun is okay with the setter touching him. He reels the mysophobic spiker in when they're in public spaces. He's also apparently not mysophobic. He just hates people. 

"Well, Kita-san," Sakusa starts. "I see a man who looks longingly at my boyfriend."

Kita freezes up, looking away from the crowd to face the spiker. Sakusa's tone isn't accusatory, but if he knows, then this will cause problems for the three of them. As Kita starts to apologize, a _sorry_ on the tip of his tongue, the taller man stops him with a raise of his canister, black, soulless eyes filled with knowledge. 

"You know, he smiles wider when he's with you. More than he does with me." He leans on the wall an inch away from Kita, towering over the shorter man. He doesn't sound offended, nor does he look at the farmer in disdain, but he seems to understand something. Something that Kita doesn't know. 

Kita blinks at him, apology forgotten. "I don't quite understand."

Sakusa huffs, sound muzzled from the mask. "Atsumu looks like he's in love with someone else. And trust me Kita-san. It's not me."

Kita tightens his hold on the can, straightening up his back at the spiker's words. If he puts more pressure into it, the Asahi will be crushed, the alcohol will be spilled, and his hands will be covered in sticky beer. He composes himself. The crowd gets louder as Osamu sets several red cups with beer on an unoccupied table that did not have soju spills on the surface. Beer pong then, for drunk adults who don't have the right equilibrium to give a perfect shot, and perfect blackmail material for Suna. 

"Why are you telling me this?" 

Sakusa doesn't give an answer, not when Atsumu hops into the middle of their conversation, shaking the spiker's shoulder asking him what they were talking about. Sakusa says "not much", still eyeing Kita, still never giving him a concrete explanation. It doesn't look like he plans to, with or without Atsumu. 

(A few months later, Sakusa breaks up with Atsumu. A few months later, Kita calls the setter in the afternoon, when France is 8 hours added in time, and the hours when Atsumu is online to backread the chat.

"Am I unlikable?" the setter asks, after he admits he misses the man that had broken his heart, announcing that he hasn't been playing well for the past few days. It's not often that Atsumu sulks for what went wrong. And when he does, he's quiet, unfocused, refuses to talk about his emotions. They become frequent as Atsumu becomes accustomed to the world of Division 1 V.League, the setter closing himself off to his friends, but it's never this self-deprecating. It doesn't sound this hollow. 

"You aren't." Kita merely says, remembers rumors of Atsumu being hated on his middle school team, the setter uncaring to their dislike towards him as long as he gets to play. It may have applied then, but as time makes stubborn teenage boys softer, it doesn't apply now. "You have people who love you, Atsumu."

"Being unlikable and being unlovable are two different things, Kita-san."

"And why is that."

Atsumu stays silent for a few seconds, before he answers, "Because people will love this image of you they have known all your life, but they won't like you as who you are. Do you think Sakusa likes me as a friend, but doesn't love me as a person?"

Kita drops his clothes on the hamper, sits on the windowsill of his window as the afternoon sun turns into a sunset of pinks and yellows. The winds pick up more, his crops sway side to side in rhythm. He doesn't know what Atsumu's doing now. Is he sitting alone on his unmade bed? Is he waiting for his dish to be heated? Is he doing nothing but listening to Kita, as Kita takes his time to answer?

What Kita knows of love and like is this: there is no such thing as a concrete constant, but you still retain routines as if it were ingrained to your soul. In your memories, you have loved a person so much, that when they distance themselves from you, you still repeat their own little traditions. From nervous habits that you developed from your friend to remembering how your roommate used to cook a specific dish that you try to replicate, to your co-worker who appears they don't miss you in your eyes, but they do, as you are the only person they talk to in long hours of a day before they reunite with their own loved ones. You liked things about them, and it changes to love and longing. And Kita thinks of _Lady Bird_ and Sister Joan's words about love and affection. It's a cycle, just like food. There is a supplier, a preparer, and a receiver. 

Kita looks at the skies. The sun is setting as twilight dawns upon Amagasaki, and the harvest is bountiful, and life in the farm is good. 

"Love and like are the same thing, Atsumu, even if you can't see it." _Because love is attention, love is caring._ "Even if Sakusa didn't love you the same way you loved him, he still loves you enough to hate seeing you hurt."

Atsumu stays silent. He doesn't hang up. Neither does Kita. They exchange no words, but the atmosphere isn't stifling. He doesn't know what Atsumu is processing right now—grief, denial, reluctant acceptance. Being alone in a foreign country must be tiresome, separated by not only distance but timezone. Atsumu is crying in the morning. To Kita, it's already evening. 

A few minutes later, as the farmer shoves himself away from the windowsill, Atsumu asks, "Do you think I have a chance to be loved?" 

Kita only says one word. 

"Always."

It's not a confession. But it's close to it. 

* * *

The ryokan itself is a corner industrial building with four floors and a lobby with only two couches and a cooler for purchased drinks. It's an affordable inn, and Kita thinks back to the times Atsumu accuses his twin as a cheap man, and he definitely agrees with how narrow the inn room is, only big enough to walk around without stepping on the futons. It only had the bare necessities: a tatami floor, slippers, a low table, a small flat-screen TV, and a clothes rack. It's sort of dark, it doesn't have an actual window, not with the blinds shut close with a lock. If Kita moves, his feet will be able to hit their bags for the trip. Their futons are situated right beside each other, and the walls practically trap them. 

The hums of the electric fan shadows the fact that Atsumu isn't asleep. 

Kita doesn't need to face the man beside him to know that the blonde is fully awake, but he lies very still to not disturb the farmer sleeping right next to him. Kita can't sleep either, thinks about the passing phone call between Atsumu and Osamu that he's not supposed to hear as he returned from the convenience store with lukewarm bentos of subpar rice. He hears an admittance of a confession, one Kita wasn't aware that he never told his twin about— 

_You think he's gonna change his mind now?_

It haunts him for hours, doesn't fade from his mind, tries to stay clear of Atsumu's sudden reluctance to his companionship. A silent dinner is not something he's used to with a talkative man like Atsumu, or at least a meal where the blonde sulks and overthinks. He thinks of a clear declaration of love that the blonde is too afraid to tell him, a confession he wants to do right unlike many years ago, and Kita debates with himself. 

Is he ready? Is he okay with saying yes? 

He isn't. Not if Atsumu isn't. But if none of them talk about the elephant in the room, then this trip, this friendship of theirs will be strained until they forget about it and move on to other lovers. And Kita has already established with himself that he would never unlove Miya Atsumu, but yearning is a terrible act of condemning yourself as a cowardly lover. They could have done a lot of things together if they were more vulnerable. 

He makes a decision.

The farmer rolls to his other side, where Atsumu's back faces him, broad and shirt straining from his muscles. The setter slightly jolts from the movement. 

"Atsumu." Kita whispers. 

The blanket ruffles. Atsumu rolls to face him. In the darkness, the small beams of moonlight give enough light in the narrow space for the farmer to see the blonde's eyes rimmed red from exhaustion. 

"Kita-san." he replies with a hoarse voice. He makes a small noise from the back of his throat as he props up himself to rest on his elbows, looking down at Kita's face, and says, "Sorry, did I disturb you?"

Kita props himself up too, his elbows digging into the futon. Atsumu is dangerously close to his face. He wants to kiss him. He can't. "No. I just can't sleep. Can you sleep?" 

"I don't think so. I think I drank too much black tea."

Kita had drank the black tea. Atsumu had bought himself coffee on the way from a drive-thru Starbucks because he had forgotten that granny packed him the tea meant for him. He doesn't say this. 

There's one way to combat the feeling of restlessness of caffeine. 

"Do you want to go around the town?" 

* * *

They end up in an empty, unguarded field of tall grass. 

The feather leaf grass around them sways with the summer wind, tickling Atsumu's exposed calves. Kita parks the Tundra in the middle of the space, where the trees are far and the asphalt road is farther, untouched by man-made hands. There is no life around them except the songs of the cicadas that ring their ears. There is nothing else but an endless horizon of mountain ranges, foreboding and mysterious in the evening, a picture of a sleeping god's grave. The air is humid, and Kita takes off his jacket to create a makeshift pillow to lie down on the back of his Tundra. Atsumu joins him, resting his head on his arms as they gaze at the stars. 

The skies were pretty. Among them were the cluster of stars that illuminated from the lack of light pollution of the city as thousands of them lay upon their eyes. There they were, alone together, unseen and unheard from civilization. Stargazing is as pretty as watching the sunset with the boy you love. In the darkness of night, Kita still looks beautiful. Atsumu forgets his phone call with 'Samu and Suna. What matters right now is the godly boy beside him, bodies pressed together to fit in the back of his vehicle to watch, rest, sleep. Words are absent, but they weren't necessary to be spoken out loud. 

Here, Atsumu remembers each of Kita's touches, instead of trying to fall asleep. From Kaiyukan, to taping the setter's fingers, to the simple act of holding hands. (In a bro way. Not a gay way. Or is it a gay way?) 

His captain had never been touchy. He didn't need to be. Kita would always catch the attention of others by simply staring at them, commanding them to stay down or calm their nerves. In high school, he only gave brief high fives to whoever scored, and he never pushed away anyone from being too close to his presence, but Kita never touches anyone back, not long enough to matter. There had been some group hugs that he partook in, ones that were quick because of the adrenaline (and since sweaty skin is disgusting to touch), but has there ever been someone whose touch lingered on Kita's skin that wasn't Atsumu? Has there ever been anyone else that Kita touched tenderly, away from the gazes of their friends or by strangers? 

Atsumu wonders if Kita ever liked him back just a little. Kita's never this touchy with Aran, Akagi, or Oomimi. Akagi had been hesitant to piggy back ride the shorter boy, preferring to latch onto the former middle blocker. He can't remember if Aran was, but Atsumu took most of his attention to hug his incredibly cool and talented childhood friend on breaks, in the middle of a match, on bus rides. But Kita always took his hand, and if not his hand, then his wrist, like an imprint. And if the tables were turned and Atsumu took his hand, the farmer never pulled away, and let their touches simmer. 

He is reminded at what Kita told him after the movie in his second year of highschool. _The moon was beautiful that night._ It was, but it's not a special full moon. But under the sky, surrounded by feather leaf grass that reaches his thighs, the blonde realizes now that his former captain had been looking straight at Atsumu that entire evening before they went to the night market, never once looking at the moon. And he vaguely remembers his Japanese Literature classes, when they were required to read poems for extra grades that Atsumu definitely needed, his bullet points and cue cards noting down _The moon is beautiful tonight, isn't it?_ is a euphemism for _I love you._

It was a sign that things were mutual. He thinks if he ever had a chance to be with him. 

And if he did, then why did Kita say no all those years ago? 

* * *

Let them be vulnerable boys. Let them hold each other's hands they take back out of fear.

They need to have this conversation, as two grown men, ready to be honest. 

* * *

When Atsumu confessed to Kita for the first time, the sakura petals were falling from the cherry tree near the school's biking lot, and they stick to the blonde's hair. The cool breeze forces everyone to wear light jackets, and the days feel longer, each minute an eternity, each day a millennium. 

The evening before the third years leave Inarizaki and into the world of university, Atsumu watches _5 Centimeter Per Second_ because he was bored and 'Samu was at Suna's. Instead of praising the visuals and the prose, the second year was just confused with the whole lack of communication between Takaki Tono and Akaki Shinohara. And Atsumu thought to himself that you will not be like Kanae Sumida, who hasn't thought of her future and never confessed to Takaki, and who will continue loving a boy who does not love you back. 

Because Kita doesn't love him, and if he does, he does not love Atsumu the way that he loves Kita. Yet the setter pushes through to pour his heart out, but there is no letter sealed with a heart sticker or stalling to walk home with him, stopping by a konbini on the way. Atsumu thinks:

_Keeping your feelings locked in will not make you move on from a heartbreak that was destined to happen. Your life is not a Makoto Shinkai film._

He confesses. Right after Kita graduates, gently holding on to his diploma and visiting the gymnasium one last time before he leaves, Atsumu marches up to the shorter boy, in the middle of the empty volleyball gymnasium, when he's sure that no one followed the both of them. 

"I like you." Atsumu says. No formalities, just straightforward to the point. What Kita likes. 

There are no bouquets or chocolates handed, no sakura petals fluttering around them, no eye witnesses except Kita's gods. And he says "like" because "love" is too strong of a word, and it means I am happy with you, I will continue being happy with you, and I will stay happy with you, now and forever. 

Atsumu doesn't expect him to say yes. Atsumu already knows Kita's answer. 

"I'm sorry." Kita gives him a sad smile. The older boy bows low, and Atsumu doesn't know why he does, because it's not like the former captain is breaking his heart when Atsumu has already broken his own. You have no one to feel sorry for except for yourself. 

The third year stands up straight, fixes the wrinkles of his blazer.

"I cannot love you the way you love me, and if I do, I would stay." 

And how funny was it, that Mr. Perfect Kita Shinsuke became a cryptic. What he says is a contradiction, and Atsumu does not like contradictions, because he is a boy crafted by them. 

"What does that mean?" Atsumu asks, and there are no tears to be spilled, no lips wobbling. Just infinite questions he has no answers to. "What do you mean you would stay?" 

"You'll understand."

But Atsumu did not, and they take a selfie instead of questioning Kita's wording, and Atsumu already gave a farewell speech to his upperclassmen that he will make them proud, and shape the club to be even stronger contenders that Nationals will ever see, and he will set for Aran again, but he vows to his captain that he will keep his promise as a junior Kita would be proud of. 

Kita touches Atsumu's bicep. He crinkles his eyes. 

"You already have."

* * *

Atsumu didn't know what he meant, until he was 26, in the middle of nowhere, laying down on his back with a beautiful boy with golden eyes and marble hands on his Tundra. He understands that many years ago, Kita had given out his own confession by equating the moon to him. He has always been a poetic person with a sarcastic but sweet sense of humor. But Atsumu had never been one for prose or grand romantic gestures from Shakespeare plays. He is a boy who doesn't sugarcoat nor mince his words. It's why he was hated. It's why he was loved. 

In the fields, in this midnight, as everything around him blurs, tunnel vision only focusing on his first and last love, he begins—

"Kita-san." Simple. Blunt. Straightforward. A mirror of a confession years ago. "I love you."

The next scene isn't as romantic as he wanted it to be. Atsumu has also never had a romantic body in his entire life. The gods have destined him to be as unromantic as possible. Kita sits up too quickly and hits the back of his head with the windows of his Tundra, a loud bang scaring off the cicadas away as they sing even louder. The farmer clutches his head in pain, rubbing his cranium. Atsumu visibly panics, thinks _ice pack! we need an ice pack!_ before he comes to the conclusion they were in the middle of nowhere, so no, he cannot get an ice pack. 

"Kita-san! Are you alright?!" Atsumu flails his arms around. He wants to die on the spot. He almost killed the love of his life! He deserves a punishment from the gods who care more about well-adjusted Kita Shinsuke and his rituals than human disaster Miya Atsumu and his thread of bad luck. But Kita delightedly laughs, maybe to ease the pain, yet he laughs the same way he did when Atsumu was caught red-handed for vying for his attention as a desperate kouhai appealing to his crush. He clutches his stomach as he chokes a bit too long, becomes a bit too breathless. 

"Sorry! I—" 

"No. It's alright." Kita coughs out, reeling himself in. He faces the blonde, gawking at the farmer's red cheeks, ears, neck. He's red everywhere for laughing. He almost killed Kita for confessing. He'll never confess again. Kita raises his hand to touch his chest to stop the setter's hysterics. Kita has never touched his chest. His heart was pounding against his ribs too hard, too fast, and it feels right. As if Kita's tender touches had always felt right. It calms him down. 

"Atsumu. I like you too." he professes.

It takes him 30 seconds to process his words, and it doesn't excite him as he thought it would, to discover that the feeling is mutual, but—

That's it. It's settled then. He knows this. He knows this now as he decodes Kita's not-confession in their not-movie date, treasures the memories of FamilyMart and independent theatres and a sleepless night of two sober men chatting in his cluttered but clean apartment. He wants to ask what he should've asked years ago if he never let himself be guarded—

"Then why did you say no?" 

* * *

They tell each other their vulnerabilities. 

Kita is a boy afraid of being too simple for Miya Atsumu. Scared that he will only be a stepping stone for the blonde to be a better person, a passing phase once they exit out of highschool. Kita doesn't want to be a phase. He lies to Atsumu, justifies himself as a fickle memory for the setter, yet refuses to move on from a crush. This is what he means, in the empty gym: _I love you. I want you. But I am afraid that I cannot love you in the enormity that you love me, because I will stay for you, but you can't stay, but you want me to._

And maybe years ago, Atsumu wouldn't have gotten it. He did not understand a lot of things back then— his brother's departure, calculus, and the perils university life that he never experienced. 

He did not understand Takaki and his desperation to look back for a girl who he only knew in the past, begging, but not acting. 

But now, Atsumu gets it. 

Kita Shinsuke rejected him, not because he doesn't love Atsumu. The setter now understands Kita's silence when he announced to the group chat that he was dating Sakusa, Atsumu now understands the farmer's uneasiness when the blonde gets too close to him, but Atsumu leaves, because that's what he thought Kita wanted. 

He is afraid, like Atsumu is afraid. Of commitment. Of being the boy Atsumu only remembers through memories, separated by distance, and the feeling that what if one day, you drifted apart? 

Maybe they wouldn't have worked out if he accepted his confession, boys too daunted in a changing world of college and professional volleyball and transitioning into adulthood. But there was no doubt that Miya Atsumu and Kita Shinsuke will always come back together. As they always do.

The two of them will look back. The two of them will stay and meet by the train tracks. There will be no train to prevent them from meeting each other once again. 

(When Atsumu first heard Sakusa ask, "what is the difference between infatuation and love?" to his cousin, in Fukuro Hirugami's penthouse, he thinks, underneath the midnight sky on the side of a closed off road, laying on the trunk of your first love's Tundra, he looks at Shinsuke and he tells himself—

This.

This is love.)

He takes the farmer's hand, and holds on tight. And he tells him I love you, and it's not a grand confession that the blonde envisioned, nor was it a confession worthy of a shoujo manga. It's quiet and unwavering and real, just like many years ago, but Atsumu has reached clarity of his words. I love you, I love you, I love you. He repeats them to assure the farmer he'll never be a phase or a stepping stone. That the feelings have been mutual for too long, but never addressed. 

Kita pauses gazing at the stars to look at Atsumu with his golden eyes and he relaxes under the blonde's touch. He stares at the younger man fondly, a small smile gracing his lips, and he says I love you too. 

And he tells Atsumu that he always has. Atsumu tells him that he is his first love. Kita tells him that he was his last. 

Atsumu kisses him, he kisses Atsumu back. It's not heated, but it's not fragile either. It's tender and warm, and the blonde wants more and nothing. Atsumu wants him. Kita wants him. 

Atsumu believes in gods but he doesn't believe in prayers, but he prays anyways in the shrine a hike away from Kita's farm, and two men are lovers blessed. 

Love is a devotion. And they are the worshippers. 

* * *

In another universe, Atsumu would not have gone to volleyball, but theatre, if he learned how to act instead of wearing his heart on his sleeve, a seasoned liar who spews his character's truths. In all universes, Atsumu has always internally monologued about his life. 

Once upon a time, if Atsumu had offered his hand to Shinsuke, he will not take it, and the blonde retracts it, and he would be dramatic about the rejection to his twin at how their former captain doesn't love him to hide the setter's shattered teenage heart, of feeling unloved, of feeling unlovable. 'Samu will ignore his twin and open the fridge, and he gives the weeping son of a bitch the good pudding, and they play Winning Eleven. 

In one week, Atsumu is okay. He still wants to be with Kita Shinsuke. As friends, and as a junior who wants to make him proud. 

Once upon a time, Kita wouldn't take it at all, but he wants, yet he won't. He is a boy afraid to love another boy brimmed with love but does not know how to love other than the language of a blue and yellow Mikasa, or the bruising touches of innate sibling rivalry. He is too afraid of not matching Atsumu's passion, but the blonde tells him his unsuspecting diligence is his love language, and Atsumu will love him through lifetimes. Kita calls Atsumu cheesy. 

Kita loves Atsumu, and his poor bleach job, his callouses, his scars from brawling with 'Samu a bit too much. He loves Atsumu, and was pained to see him ache from a heartbreak that lingered, but now, the blonde lets go of that space where Sakusa was, and before him, Shouyou and Tobio, and before them, Shinsuke. 

Except Shinsuke never left, Atsumu thinks. He was always there, waiting. In the FamilyMart in Dōtonbori, in the aquarium, in the empty gymnasium of his graduation day. And Atsumu was there too, following Shinsuke. Being followed by Shinsuke. 

He takes Atsumu's hand. The farmer kisses the setter's lips, his forehead, his cheeks. They are no longer cowardly boys. They have grown into brave men. 

When they arrive at Tokyo to stay in a 3-star hotel, a few streets away from the new Tokyo branch, Atsumu is lugging his duffel bag in one hand and holding out his other hand for Shinsuke. The setter is disheveled and bone deep tired and he wants to cuddle his hot, no longer bachelor of a farmer slash lover and Atsumu wants to take off his sunglasses and cap that makes him look like an even bigger douche than he already is. When they reach the room, cramped and consisting of one queen-sized bed, Atsumu lays down on the covers. Shinsuke sits on his lap. Atsumu kisses his forehead, and Shinsuke kisses Atsumu's knuckles, and they kiss each other for hours. 

When they arrive at the Onigiri Miya branch, Atsumu wears Shinsuke's blue ombrè scarf and he is wearing Atsumu's yellow hoodie. They hold hands as lovers instead of friends, because "it's still too cold, Shinsuke!" even as the setter steps inside the heated restaurant, and the farmer laughs and it sounds like furins chiming. Atsumu is hopelessly in love. His cheeks are flushed red from the cold, Tokyo breeze, and the blonde thinks life is better than it was before. 

He's happy. 

'Samu smirks at Atsumu from the counter, then gags when his twin kisses Shinsuke's cheek, and then whines when the shorter man pinches the setter. Atsumu gapes in awe at the size of the restaurant—twice as big as the Osaka ones!—and he demands onigiri. 'Samu tells him to shut up, but he cooks anyway. Shinsuke inspects his rice in the backroom to see if it's in perfect condition. 

Atsumu says, "it's always in perfect condition, Shin!" and he turns around with an eyebrow raised and mouths _"Shin?"_. The blonde blushes, but Kita chuckles and pecks his lips. Atsumu hides his face behind his gloved hands. 'Samu gags some more. 

They drive together on the way back after a week of touring around Tokyo. He drops Kita off in Amagasaki, as he takes the train back to Osaka to his little apartment that doesn't seem as lonely anymore, not if Kita is Atsumu's home as much as Atsumu is a shrine, a train ride away. 

He should use the Corolla to visit him more often. 

* * *

(When the setter drives alone in the streets of Osaka, he does not feel lonely. He thinks of the passenger seat, reserved for Shinsuke, or the passenger seat of Shinsuke's Tundra, meant for him. 

He can't wait to kiss Kita under the skies of the gods once again.)

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thats a wrap! 
> 
> i feel like i should orphan this series but idk!!! maybe i wont. (for now, i'll be writing an atsuaran oneshot before continuing the atsukita romcom. i might delete heavenfall to repost it again later on as a oneshot.)

**Author's Note:**

> this fic now has a playlist
> 
> https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3rPcaL63yZhVOtNuAS4WBs?si=PW9cPp1yQoWErOaQA-hCDg


End file.
